To Follow you or To Lose you

Chapter 7: what was going through my head

My mind was something I couldn't control.

As I wrote the ten daily pages of my book, I thought that I needed to write even paragraphs, and that each line should have an odd number of words. If I didn't, I would tell myself that I wouldn't succeed, although it's not as if this strategy had worked for me in the past.

When I finished my free time and started my sleep routine my mind said I had to brush my teeth twice, otherwise they wouldn't be perfectly clean. I had to check the locks twice, turn off the lights five, go back to the locks, pick up a book, read twenty pages and finally get back to the lights.

However, my torture did not end there.

As I closed my eyes my mind remembered my day and I wondered if it would be beneficial to do things once again.

I never really rested.

On Christmas Day things were even worse, and such was my hatred for it that, if I'd been given a choice between wearing my orange uniform all my life or celebrating Christmas, I would've chosen the uniform.

That day, suddenly, everything lost its order. There was a Santa Claus on every street, customers preferred to spend the day with their family, I had to wear a stupid red hat and Ally altered the menu of the place.

Everything was turning into chaos inside my head and no matter how many times I brushed my teeth, or closed my door, or turned off my lights, it wasn't enough.

"If you feel uncomfortable you can leave, Lauren" My boss reminded me after I greeted her three times, although I needed to do it many more times "...I know you have a book to finish and this day is not among your favorites."

I nodded at her words, but in no way would I give up my job. Being home would only make me feel worse.

"Is Camila coming today?" Ally asked curiously. She was smiling, which wasn't very strange to her, but that gleam in her eyes she had seen in Normani's when she'd told me that Camila liked me.

I hadn't forgotten this little detail, of course. Actually, her words were repeated without control inside my head.

Still, I didn't believe her at all. Camila seemed to be in love with her travels, not me. And even if what Normani said was true, I didn't like her.

I wasn't gay.

"That's what she said" I answered "but it's Camila. You never know what she'll do."

And that, frankly, terrified me.

How could a person live like this?

"Don't get your hopes up, Lauren, but I think she likes you..."

At that very moment I wanted to hit my head against a wall twenty-four times because of frustration. It was no longer just Normani who believed it, but Ally. I also have to admit that possibly Dinah and some customers thought the same.

"Ally, she just likes her travels and..."

"Come on, Lauren! Everyone has seen the way she looks at you!"

Everyone except me, of course, because I'd been too busy looking at her.

"And you..." No, I wasn't going to let her finish her sentence.

"I'm not gay, Ally."

"As you say..." And these were the last two words she said to me before my shift started.

I'm trying, but I can't remember the clients I took care of. My mind was on the possibility that Camila liked me, so I couldn't concentrate properly. I may have given the wrong orders to several people, but Dinah took care of my mistakes despite our complicated friendship.