twisted beautiful things

xvi. delicate

xvi. delicate

'think i need some fresh air

feelin under pressure

don't wanna talk about it

dont even get me started over you

you know i aint tryna go pressure you

you and me got differences'

(zayn)

>>>

julian

The thing about being strong is that it comes with the fear of hurting those around me.

My strength, my fire is destructive. I am poison it seems, bringing chaos to the world around me.

I'm better than I was.

When I was younger, I was a little ball of fury, but I kept it inside and when it became too much I lashed out at the boys at my school.

I knew that I had to get my anger out somehow. And doing some shit like running or punching a pillow doesn't help.

The thing is, when therapists make you write down your coping methods, like things you'll do when you're on the verge of a breakdown, it's all bullshit.

When I'm angry and flammable, when I'm raging and setting the world on fire, I'm not going to want to go hug my dog. It doesn't work that way.

When you experience heightened emotions, you want to do heightened things.That's why it's hard for people to stop self-harming or self-medicating. Because when they are hurt, they want to do something as dramatic as what they are feeling.

And I'm not advocating for self-harming or self-medicating. I'm simply explaining why it's so hard for people to stop. And why throwing butterflies and rainbows in a person's face when they're in pain doesn't help.

But I mean, maybe it works for others. Maybe reading or writing is something that most people go to when they're hurt. Maybe I'm fucked up.

I mean, I know when Nova is hurting, she turns to dance and painting and listening to music. But as healthy as that sounds, I've seen those coping methods be destructive. She'll push herself too hard in dance and restrict her calorie intake. She stays up all night painting because painting feels productive. Blasting music in her ears drowns the rest of the world out.

Do you see? Anything healthy can be turned into something dangerous.

So sometimes my destructive nature makes me afraid for those around me. I don't know.

That's one of the reasons I kind of still keep all my emotions in because I know I feel things intensely.

I'm not like my father.

I'm not like my father.

I'm not like my father.

Who, by the way, is off on a business trip with my mother right now. Everytime my parents go out of town, the first thing I do is call my friends.

Because, okay. We have the willow tree, Nova's flat,the coffee shop, the library, but when my family is gone, we take advantage of the commodities that come with my big house, like the pool, the game room, the bar, etc.

Right now we're all gathered around the coffee table in the living room playing Clue.

"I'm Miss Scarlett." Kennedy declares as we set up the board game, "So I go first."