Take Over Me

10. Never

You sit down at the round table, picking up the file that's waiting for you at your seat.

Garcia walks in the room, immediately briefing you all on the case. "All right all, new case today. This one is in the Big Apple. Over the past week, three prostitutes were found stabbed to death in New York City. All three were found in alleys, but it seems like they were killed elsewhere and then their bodies were moved to these locations." She clicks through the intense photos on the screen.

Will you ever get used to seeing this? The honest part of you hopes not. Although it would be nice to not have to feel so disturbed when working your job, you truly will know this job has changed you as a person when slaughtered people don't affect you at least a little.

This just makes you think. You wonder if this is the part of this job Hotch was talking about when he first interviewed you. The part that will change you if you let it. In a way, you believe you might be too weak for this job.

"Local P.D. wants us there ASAP, so wheels up in fifteen minutes," Hotch announces to everyone.

As you're making your way towards the door, you see Spencer catch up next to you. "Are you alright?" he asks, clearly noticing the look on your face earlier.

"Yep," you say, coming off short with him. It isn't your intent, but you really just don't want to get into it right now.

But that doesn't stop him.

"I know you aren't okay, Y/N. I can tell. Just tell me what's up."

He looks at you with a sweet look on his face. A look that is so different than you've ever seen before from him. You haven't seen this side of Spencer before. It's genuine concern and care for you.

"It's just, this case. It just freaks me out a bit. The way the victims were stabbed so many times...everywhere." The prominent pit in your stomach grows even larger. "But that's the job right?" you ask, looking down. "It's just...this is me thinking maybe I'm not cut out for this job. I mean, if I can't handle some crime scene photos, what's gonna happen when I go into the field?"

Spencer sighs empathetically, his face softening. "Y/N, listen to me. Just because you feel worked up over crime scene photos doesn't mean you can't be good at this job. That just means you have a heart of compassion, and you aren't used to seeing things as real as that yet. You don't ever want to feel numb to this stuff. You should always feel for the victims, and the way their lives were taken from them. If no one did, it wouldn't be the right way to do this job." Spencer reassures you of your worries. "Seeking justice for the innocent victims is what fuels us to find the unsub. To lock them away, to obtain some form of justice for their lives."

It's nice knowing he cares. You've gone so long not knowing what that feels like.

You smile softly, but appreciatively. "Thanks, Spencer. It's just...everyone else seems so unfazed. And everyone else is so good at their job. That's what makes me doubt. You guys don't let it affect you—"

Spencer cuts you off. "No, Y/N. I'm sure everyone that was in that room, including me, don't not 'let it affect' us. We just don't show it as much. But trust me, we all still feel that way, even after 100s of cases." Spencer continues to reassure you. "Just because the crime scene photos leave us un-fazed, doesn't mean we don't still feel terrible about the circumstances."

Once again, he's making you feel better in the short time you've been with the BAU.

"And plus, Y/N, it's not a competition. You don't want to stop being effected by things. When you do," his gaze moves to the ground, away from your eyes, "you lose parts of yourself, you know?"