You unlock your apartment door, feeling the tears prick your eyes as your mind resorts back to today's events.
And for a moment, you tell your mind to think about the other words Spencer shared with you. The ones he said after the team got on the jet to go home. He knew you were affected by what you saw.
"Do you want to know a secret, Y/N?"
You force yourself to reach Spencer's gaze.
"When I think about the things we see on a daily basis...all the bad," he shakes his head, "I still find myself amazed at all the good."
You huff a sad, understanding breath. "Yeah?"
A beat of silence follows, and you take a quick glance out the window, down at your shaking legs, and then back up to him. "Do you think it evens out?"
He smiles. "I like to think it does."
Right now, you don't think it ever will.
And because of that sad realization your mind has produced, you need to forget about it. Even if it's temporary.
Hotch gave you tomorrow off. He knew that seeing someone die for the first time, right in front of you, didn't sit too well. So, with no need to worry about crawling out of bed in the morning, you turn to the one thing that can make you happy and forget: alcohol.
You should just allow your mind to slow down for a second. To think about how fucked up it is that alcohol is the first thing you turn to to cope with. That way, you could see that you need to talk to someone.
But right now, you don't do that. You just can't give a fuck right now.
You open your fridge, spotting the bottle of vodka you always keep in there. Always there to keep you company, do its purpose, and help you. The only thing that hasn't left me in all these years.
God, you sound pathetic.
Popping the lid off, you bring the bottle to your mouth, the horrid flavor burning your throat. But the taste doesn't matter. It will do its purpose: like water to your thoughts, washing away the bad ones.
Staring at the glass of the bottle, you hope one day, you'll be able to make what you wish for last. To finally live a life where you have someone. Someone fully, that can help you not drown out bad feelings when they wash over you. To teach you that you don't need to do that in order to avoid drowning in them. That there are other ways. That you can talk about it, run to them for comfort, instead of running to poison.
But then again, dreams come so slow and go away too fast.
Maybe it's not a good wish after all.
. . .
In 30 short minutes, and way too many swigs later, you have already forgotten why you started drinking in the first place. You feel content as the alcohol is doing what it does best: making you forget.
And right now, that's the best feeling. The feeling of freeness, the ability to forget that easily. It's evidently clear why so many people get addicted to substances that get them out of their heads. Out of their life, even if it's just for a short while.
You pull out your phone, putting on a playlist specifically reserved for fun times. You turn the music up, escaping farther into the trance that you are consumed with right now.
It's funny how happy you can be right now while drunk, when the reasons for drinking in the first place are quite the opposite.
The room spins, your every move feeling dizzy. You drunkenly dance, probably looking like a complete fool. But, there is no room to care. That's why you drank tonight anyways, isn't it?
YOU ARE READING
Take Over Me
FanfictionY/N Y/L/N is someone who has never felt true welcomeness. She's been unwelcome since she was a child, even in her own family. When she moves to Virginia and starts her new job with the BAU, she starts to learn what being welcome is really like. Espe...
