Life Without You

chapter 6

" I have to get back to the pit. I'll see you." Cristina said as she walked out

Mia sat in Meredith's lap and ate her bowl of ice cream. Meredith thought about what Cristina said and she knew that Derek probably wouldn't have said those things if he knew about Mia. She knew she had to tell him, Meredith knew what growing up without a father was like. Her mother had kept her father away from her and she knew how hard it was on her. Meredith didn't want to be like her mother at all, she knew she had to tell Derek but she just couldn't.

Regan was playing with Mia when she noticed that Meredith was sleeping.

"Let's go play in the daycare, okay?"

"Okay"

Regan left and walked Mia to daycare, Meredith fell asleep after Mia tiring her out. She was in pain but she wanted to be strong for Mia. She was so tired she could barely keep her eyes open so she let them close and she fell asleep almost immediately. Derek saw Meredith was sleeping so he walked into her room but bumped into the table. He stopped and tried not to make noise, he waited a while to see if he had woke Meredith up and then sat down in the chair beside her bed and leaned back.

"I missed you." He whispered careful not to wake Meredith

He stared at her for a while and then got up and quietly left. Little did he know that Meredith had woken up when he bumped into the table but kept her eyes closed. She heard him say that he missed her but she didn't want to speak to him so she kept her eyes closed and pretended to sleep. When he walked out she opened her eyes and saw him walk away. He missed her and he had to tell her even if she couldn't hear it.

Meredith didn't know how to feel, he left her and chose someone over her. She hated him for that, but she knew that without him she wouldn't have Mia. She missed him too at first but she got over it, she got over him. Why did everything have to be so confusing, why did he have to leave her, why?

Derek walked into the O.R. to operate on the guy who hit Meredith. He scrubbed in and walked into the operating room. The patient was refusing to go under until he heard an update about the woman he hit.

"Mr. Davis-" Derek said trying to calm him down

"I'm not going under until I hear something, anything!"

"She's fine, she woke up and she's recovering right now." Bailey interrupted

"Okay, good, that's good. Go ahead."

He got ready to start the surgery, and the only thing he could think about was Meredith. The surgery went quick, he started scrubbing out and Bailey walked in beside him.

"Have you talked to Meredith at all? How's she doing?" Bailey asked as she started to scrub out

"She's good, she was sleeping when I left."

"Her daughter's absolutely adorable. I didn't know about her at all up until today."

"Me neither." Derek said in an annoyed tone as he walked out

Derek walked to the nurses station and started filling out the patients chart. Regan walked up to him with her phone in her hand.

"Can you tell Meredith that I had to go back to Boston?"

"You're just gonna leave her here alone?"

"No, she has a bunch of people she knows here and she has Mia. Something important came up I have to go." Regan said as she walked away and pointed to her phone

"What about Mia? Meredith can't take care of her alone"

"Just tell her I'm sorry."

Derek sighed, he knew that Meredith had Cristina, George, and Izzie, but they hadn't seen her for two years and they didn't know her as well anymore. They were only interns when Meredith left and they didn't know each other that much when Meredith left.

He looked over at Meredith still sleeping and wondered if she was still in love with him, he wondered if she missed him and if they could work things out. But then he remembered that now she had a daughter and she's probably moved on unlike him.

Meredith slowly started waking up when a nurse walked in to check on her. She remembered how much she used to live this place, she practically grew up here and she was about to spent the next five years there but she never did. Meredith looked around and saw that all the doctors and nurses were staring and whispering amongst themselves. She left this place to avoid all the gossip and clearly it hasn't changed.

She wasn't an intern anymore, she was the best surgical resident at Mass Gen and she was well respected over there even though she was only a resident. She had published several papers with her attending over there, Dr. Yoon. She had a career and a life, she wasn't the pathetic intern who fell for the married attending anymore. Being back in Seattle made her feel like nothing had changed.

After the nurse left she saw Derek looking at her from the nurses station, he would hide behind a chart or a computer and she would catch him staring at her and when she did he would quickly look away. She had heard nurses whisper that him and Addison got into a fight about the fact that he still loved Meredith and the whole hospital saw it.

She couldn't help but laugh at the fact that he chose Addison over her and then left Addison because he was still in love with her. A brain surgeon with absolutely no brains. At one point he walked past her room and looked like he was going to say something but he just kept walking.

Derek knew he should probably talk to Meredith but just couldn't bring himself to. He would forget what he would say or he would get paged and it never happened. One day he walked into Meredith's room while she was reading a trashy magazine and stood in the doorway.

"We should talk." He said

He felt a slight relief and some weight off his chest when he said that but it didn't change the fact that he was nervous.

"Yeah, we should." Meredith said sitting up

"Look I... I know that we didn't really communicate after you left and part of that is my fault."

"Not part of it, all of it."

"What do you-"

"I called you... after I left I called you. You didn't answer. Then again a few months later and you told me that-"

"I know, and I'm sorry. I was mad that you left and I was mad when you called."

"That still doesn't change anything. I still called you even after you said that. I still tried, you gave up and you decided to leave it at that. I can't forgive you for that, not yet."

"Meredith-"

"Close the door on your way out." Meredith said as she laid back down and closed her eyes.

Derek got up and walked out, he closed the door and stood outside. She was right, he left things poorly and it was his fault. She was always going to be apart of his life whether he wanted it or not. She was all he could think about and he had to do something about it before it was too late.

Meredith's heart raced and she couldn't believe he tried telling her she was partly to blame for it all. She knew it was his fault and she reached out as much as she could. She didn't owed him anything at all, he had to earn it. She wasn't going to forgive him until she knew he changed or he proved that he wanted to change.

All she could think about was her leaving and her yelling at him, she could only think about the last time she saw him and his face as she left.