Trapped in fear as history repeats

7

TRIGGER WARNING this chapter contains graphic depiction and description of Sexual Assault, absuse, miscarriage, selfharm, suicide,... If this may be harmful for you to read, I highly suggest not continuing this story.

Later that night, Meredith woke up. She felt bad, she was dizzy and she needed to throw up. She ran downstairs, fell on her way down and ran as fast as she could to the toilet. She vomited for over an hour. Of Course she knew why, her plan didn't work. Goddamnit she thought. I can't even kill myself. I'm worthless, my baby died, no one wants me and I can't even end it all. A weak and dizzy feeling took over when she tried to stand up. Her hip and leg bruised from falling on the stairs and she felt like she was dying but without the actual dying. She grabbed a bucket and walked upstairs to her bed, once she arrived she already vomited 2 more times.

"I'm useless.." She whispered as she climbed under her blankets. She decided to stay home today, hoping she would fall asleep and never wake up again.

This feeling stayed 2 days, she felt a little better but her kidneys hurt and she hadn't told anyone. Ashamed because she's to stupid, to weak and just her usual self.

She really hated herself, not her body or her capacity in life.. Just her whole life. The fact she's here, in this world. For the first time in days she took a shower, she still hasn't seen her mother. She was probably still at work but why would she care..

Meredith knew she needed help but she didn't want it, she's not crazy.. She's just tired of everything. No one loves her, she's a burden to everyone around her.

After 3 days she went back to school and just told everyone it was the flu. She cried in class but no one noticed, she cried on the way home, she cried in the shower and she cried herself to sleep. She cried all the time but she felt invisible.

Only a few months later with the start of the new school year there was a little hope. There was a new guy in her class Derek, he's the same age and wants to become a neurosurgeon. She wants to be a general surgeon so they had a few things in common. Derek and Mark, the two of them were brothers but Mark was adopted by Derek's parents and they were close, they were best friends. One day after school, Meredith was walking home when they yelled her name

"Meredith" Derek yelled

Meredith turned around as the guys ran over to her

"Hi! Can I help you?" Meredith asked

"Wanna walk home together?" Mark asked

"We live in the same area.. well actually a hew houses further than you. We saw you leaving your house this morning"

"Yeah, sounds great"

"So, any plans this afternoon?" Derek asked her

"No.. I.. my mother is working so I'll probably watch a movie and call for some pizza"

"Do.. Do you want to come over? We could get to know each other? We also have a few sisters so maybe we can all watch a movie?" Derek suggested

"Don't you have to ask your parents first?"

"Mom is fine with everything, don't worry" Mark assured

"Euhm.. okay" Meredith said smiling

They chatted and walked to the Shepherd's house. They entered the large living room and introduced Meredith. Carolyn decided to bake some cookies as all the kids were watching a movie

Once the movie ended, Meredith had to leave. There was no one to go to but it would be awkward to stay if the Shepherds had to eat dinner

"Thanks, miss Shepherd" Meredith said before grabbing her coat

"It's Carolyn, dear." Carolyn said smiling "Derek, Mark can one of you walk home with her? It's getting dark"

"Oh, no problem Carolyn, it's ju-"

"I'll go with her" Derek suggested

They left the house and walked to Meredith's house, chatting on their way about school and about some medical stuff

When they arrived at her house they kept talking for a few minutes until Ellis' car drove up the porch.

"Meredith, come in now! I'm done with this crap. I need you to help me a little" Ellis yelled

"Coming, mom!" Meredith yelled before leaving "Thanks Derek, see you tomorrow" She said before running to help her mother carrying the bags inside

"I'll text you when I'm home" Derek yelled

Derek: Hey, I'm home

Meredith: Hi, good! Do you maybe want to walk to school together?

Derek: Great! 8am?

Meredith: Sounds great! Goodnight Derek

Derek: Goodnight Mer