Trapped in fear as history repeats

13

"Mer!"

"What's wrong?"

"Well I was thinking we should go buy the paint for the dreamhouse"

"Are you already finished?"

"Mer, I told you I wanted it to be over in less than 2 years."

"I.. I know Derek" She sighed

"Mer, once the house is finished we can be a family, we'll go see a fertility specialist and this is gonna work out" Derek said before pulling her into a hug.

They tried to make a baby. Kathleen, Nancy and Lizzie were all parents by now even Amelia had a baby. Although her son, named after her father, didn't survive. Derek and Meredith were trying, they had sex. Lots of seks. Meredith was desperate, she wanted a baby so bad and she blamed herself. She had a miscarriage all those years ago and she never told Derek.. She needs to tell him.

"Derek?" She whispered

"What's wrong Mer?"

"Uhm.. about getting pregnant.." Whispered again

"Mer?" Derek whispered back, he was concerned

"Derek.. I.. I have been pregnant before.. before I met you, I have been pregnant." Meredith started, Derek held her hand as he saw how hard it was for her to say this

"I was pregnant after I got raped. I miscarried.. Derek, maybe it.. it's my fault. My body-"

"Meredith, you never told me"

"I.. I wanted to but.. I lost my baby and I.. god" She started to cry

"Mer.. I'm sorry" Derek held her close, kissing her head "We can go to your OB or some fertility specialist"

Meredith nodded and let go of her tears

"Mer? Have you ever told anyone?"

"I.. I was ashamed, Derek. I was drunk, it was one of my only friends.. I was 16"

"Mer, you don't have to be ashamed, something awful happened to you, and it was not your fault"

"I.. Derek.. I wasn't able to take care of my baby, I miscarried.. I.. Maybe I will be a bad mom like mine and is this the universe telling me I'm not allowed to become a mother"

"Mer, I love you and you will be a great mother. What happened is not your fault.."

Meredith nodded

"Did.. Did you know how far along you were?" Derek whispered

"6 weeks" She whispered back, her eyes were like glass, she looked so vulnerable. Derek knew her as the independent woman, someone who was always fighting, someone who wasn't scared to push through so it hurts him to see her this way.

Derek scooped her up and brought her to their bedroom. He knew Addison and Mark could arrive any moment and he knew Meredith wouldn't want them to see her this way.

"Do you want something to drink?" He asked her once he gently placed her on the bed and tucked her in

"Hmm.. Maybe some water"

"I'll be back soon"

"Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"Love you"

"Love you to, Mer"

...

"Mer? Are you ready to leave?" Derek asked. They have their appointment with RE"