What I'd Give to See Through You

My girl

TW: self-harm

Monday 22, September
POV: Jaden

Jaden: -what a fucking day. I didn't even know I felt that bad. I embarrassed myself horribly in front of Aeson. He has to be a damned angel. He just saw me doing that and helped me and didn't even think or admit that it was the most awful thing he's ever seen. He's too much for me. He shouldn't be around a person like me. I cry as if it was my job at this point. And I feel so much. So much bad and evil and dirty. It's wrong. I'm so wrong. Aeson does not deserve someone wrong.
I feel tears swelling in my eyes again. I look at the restroom. My razor is there. I uncover my arms, rolling up my sleeves. I stare intently at my forearms. Today was a hard day. It was. I walk to the restroom.
See, it's not that I like it for the pain of it. It's not that. I don't do it to cause me pain, that's psychotic. I do it because it's... mine. I am creating my own scars. I am drawing out my own blood. This doesn't belong to anyone else but me, and nobody can take it from me.
...And the blood.
It is mine, it isn't dirty. It feels like letting out all of the things I want to scream, but quietly. All of the things nobody understands. All of the things I won't allow Aeson to deal with. Because he's so good. And as I watch the blood fall to the sink, and I start washing myself, I feel my chest pounding, my tears stop. The blood disappears and the only thing left is small, thin reddish lines. I go back to my bed and think.
I think.
And think.
And think.
Next I know, I'm texting Aeson.
I need him so much. I need to see his face and his smile and feel his heartbeat against my ear.
I need him to ease the sting.
I immediately hear knocks.-

Aeson: hey, what happened? -he asked, entering my room carefully and closing the door behind him. He wasn't sleeping yet. As I see him in front of me, my heart beats fast in my chest and I can't help but feeling saved. I feel... pathetically rescued.-

Jaden: can I hug you? -I asked. The dim light of a lamp in my restroom is the only thing lighting the room. But I can see him clearly. He's here, in front of me, and his beautiful face, his soft lips, his tender skin. He's here for me.-

Aeson: of course. -he opened his arms, I buried myself on him like a man on a mission. I feel so much when we're like this. So much. It's inevitable, I start crying and sobbing in his chest like a damsel in despair. He rubs my back, leading me to the bed and sitting with me.- what's wrong? -he asked, now rubbing my hair as tenderly as he's able, making me feel more loved than I've ever felt before. Loved. That's a big word.-

Jaden: I... I just feel so much for you. -my breath was shaky, my eyes closed against his soft shirt, breathing in his scent.-

Aeson: oh, Jaden. -he squeezed me gently, burying his face on my hair, kissing the top of my head. He went quiet a second.- can I see your arms? -he asked as if he was sensing something. I shook my head immediately.- why? -he asked then. I shrugged, noncommittally. As said before, what I do to myself is mine, and mine only. Mine to carry and mine to deal with.-

Jaden: I don't want you to feel disgust of me. -I said, as easily as I can manage, relaxing my crying a bit. My head started to ache.-

Aeson: oh, baby, I would never be disgusted of you. Jaden, you know for me you're the most beautiful person living. -he rubbed the back of my arms now. He makes me feel peace. God, I'm awful. I know deep down I wished he knocked the door while Lucas was doing that to me. I wished he'd appear and make Lucas stop. I'm not putting the guilt on him. I would never. But how I wish he was there to save me.-

Jaden: really? -I asked, sniffing and stopping my sobs. Some more teardrops fell. He nodded over my head. I separated a bit, looking at him. His eyes are soft, his lips parted. I feel my lips dry with desire to be wet against his.- I'm going to wash my face. -I said, going to my restroom. I didn't turn on the light while washing my face. I don't need to see myself to know I probably look hideous. I don't know how my face looks while crying, but I can feel how I scrunch it. It must look horrible. I went out of the restroom and sat again on bed, looking at Aeson. He looks beautiful. His lips look delicious. Sometimes I wonder how did my feelings for him could grow so much stronger after what happened to me. What has he done to me to make me feel like this?-