What I'd Give to See Through You

I can't stop thinking

TW: mentions of self-harm, reliving of trauma, victim-blaming in first person

Saturday 20, September
POV: Jaden

Jaden: -today is Saturday, and I'm very tired. I had a bad night, I just couldn't sleep at all. I'm feeling so many things all at once in such a fast pace that I feel dizzy. I just can't control them, and at the same time some emotions are good for me. For example, thinking in Aeson. What we have confuses me but he makes me happy. I need the high. The happiness. But I can't help but listen to the voice in my head that keeps telling me that I'm only using Aeson as an escape. And thinking that way makes me want to cry, I don't want to use Aeson for fake happiness, he doesn't deserve that. Do I really deserve someone like Aeson? I surely, surely don't. I couldn't stop thinking about it while I was doing my usual Saturday routine. I put on one of the jumpers Lio gave me. They're big and have cute designs, just like Aeson's. The only difference is that these ones don't smell like him. God. I do like him, I know I do, but I don't deserve him. I'm too... dirty. And I'm an idiot. Sometimes, I think I should properly, actually die. At the end, maybe I'll be too sad and one day the scars won't close anymore, and I will bleed out and die how cowards die. Sad and alone and dirty. Two knocks on the door interrupt my thinking. I hate that sound.- yes? -I said as I opened the door.- hi Aeson. -I tried to put the best tone I could, but his face immediately changed when he heard me. Of course I can't even fake being ok. What do I even live for.-

Aeson: what happened? -he asked, passing his gaze all through my body, worried, looking for the same signs he looked for that day. I wonder if he knows how that hurts.-

Jaden: nothing, really don't worry... -I start, thinking it may be better to tell him how I feel. Maybe that way he'll finally cut me off and tell me he doesn't want to be with someone so... depressing.- can we talk? -I asked, looking up at his eyes. Those beautiful, deep, bright brown eyes that I've always looked up to in awe. Now I look at them and see myself. And that's the only thing I don't ever want to see again.-

Aeson: yes, of course. -he answered, closing the door behind him.- what happened? -he asked now. He looks so worried and it's all for me. How sad.-

Jaden: do you... do you really like me? -I asked, not caring enough to fake a normal tone, sounding specially sad. Specially pathetic.- you know, it's that, I'm- I don't act like I used to anymore and maybe you don't like me like this- -I continued but he was fast in interrupting me.-

Aeson: hey, hey... -he said holding softly my chin,  forcing eye contact between us. I would like this if only I wasn't sad.- I like you Jaden, I really do. I even think I've never liked someone the way I like you, I'm talking seriously... -he got closer to me, kissing my cheek. I feel so safe near him, so comforted. I'm so lucky to have him, so much I don't deserve it.- I really like you. -he whispered in my ear, separating and looking at me. I look down at his lips and lick my own, then looking up again, giving a step closer to him.- can I kiss you? -he asked, maintaining eye contact. I want him to kiss me until I can't breathe.-

Jaden: yes, please. -I replied, finding comfort now in his lips and his hand on my nape. His lips are soft and tender. Not rough. Not demanding. They don't hurt me. He's just what I need.-

Aeson: thank you. -he said, separating for a second to catch our breath. I grab his shirt, dragging him closer to me, kissing him again, passionately. How dares he thank me, when I'm the one that feels utterly saved by this.- if we continue like this we'll be late for breakfast. -he separated again after minutes of kissing, I smiled and nodded. Because I can smile. I can. And I can be normal. Because the pain doesn't matter. All of it is mental. It's just pain.- let's go for the girls. -he smiled back at me and went at the door, opening it and letting me go out first. We went at Lio's door first, as always, and knocked.-