We Take Our Vows Seriously

Chapter 5 - Unworthy

Lan Zhan didn't go to the bar the next night and when Wei Ying texted him about lunch on Saturday, he told Wei Ying that he was needed at the hospital. He did the same for the next two weeks, his answers to Wei Ying's texts inquiring about his well-being were left unanswered and then by the following week Wei Ying had stopped contacting him altogether.

The emptiness that Lan Zhan was left with was a harsh reminder that he was still alive. He continued to visit Qingyang, but most of the time he sat silently while holding her hand. It wasn't that he resented being there or that he blamed Qingyang for his current state, the truth was he was just having trouble readjusting his lens. For Lan Zhan, Wei Ying had been a prism, dispersing the monotony of the everyday and refracting it into brilliant bursts of colour and directing them into his life. Now that the prism had been removed, Lan Zhan was having difficulty adjusting back to the dull and grey landscape.

When Wen Qing popped into Qingyang's room and saw the state he was in, she crossed her arms and looked at him sternly. "You look like shit, Wangji," she said. "When was the last time you had a decent night's sleep?"

He shrugged not wanting to answer her, not even sure what to say. Was it days? Weeks? How long had it been since he'd seen Wei Ying? He was about to turn away when something occurred to him. "Wen Qing, that day when you were in the hallway with Wei Ying... what were you discussing?"

Wen Qing leaned back against the wall, her gaze on him steady as she spoke. "He was worried about your well-being and your mental state. I told him the truth."

Lan Zhan cocked an eyebrow.

"I told him I've been concerned for your mental state for quite a while now, and how I feel that you need someone to talk to and share this burden with," she said. "I was honest with him when he asked about Qingyang's prognosis. He was shocked when I told him that there are no guarantees that she will ever wake and the likelihood is slim. I also said she could wake up tomorrow or be like this for the next 10 to 20 years."

Lan Zhan remembered how pensive Wei Ying had seemed that day.

"I think it saddened him greatly that you were going through this all alone," Wen Qing said, gently.

This was not something Wei Ying should have to bear with him. Now Lan Zhan could see how his decision to maintain his distance from Wei Ying was the right one. He always wanted to remember Wei Ying at the height of his happiness – laughing as he skipped from stall to stall, bright and cheery after a good meal – and not with the worried visage after he had spoken to Wen Qing, or the anger when he had confronted Xue Yang.

"It is not a burden," he stated. Even if it was, he'd refused to admit it or share it with anyone. Qingyang was his wife and thus his responsibility.

"Wangji," Wen Qing said with an audible sigh. "This is too much for just one person."

"I am fine, Wen Qing," Lan Zhan said rising from his seat. "I need to return to work now."

She didn't try to stop him from leaving and for the rest of the week Lan Zhan tried his best to avoid running into her.

When his brother called on a Saturday afternoon, he hadn't wanted to answer, but he knew Xichen would worry if he didn't. He knew his brother was having difficulty in his own marriage and really didn't need anything else to worry about. Taking a deep breath, he answered the call. "Brother," Lan Zhan greeted.

"Wangji," Xichen said. "How are you?"

"I am the same," he answered with his usual phrase.