Letters I wrote you

Twenty-one

It's sad you know, just when your military service was ending, this all happens.

I had love having you back, even if it was only for a few month, if only you could have stayed.

But you didn't, you still had five month of service before you could come and stay with me. Five month, it doesn't sound like much, but those five month changed everything.

I don't even know when it happened or how.

And I hope you didn't suffer to much in the end.

I remember the day they announced the news,

that your squad had gone missing

It was all just so unfair.

No one knew if any of you where alive,

so they guessed the worst,

I waited,

I waited so long,

but I wonder if any of the families moved on,

I didn't because if there was a chance you where still out there,

I'd wait as long I had no news of you.

Sometimes I just lost hope and thought of you as a memory,

not even being sad about it,

I don't know how I could.

And even if I didn't agree with you sometimes,

like I never liked the idea of you being a soldier,

not only because it was dangerous,

but also because it meant war,

horrors,

and I'm just not okay with people killing other people because of some problem instead of trying to understand each other and come to an agreement. I'm not saying you did that, I have no clue what your squad did, no, I'm just saying that war does that.

Because understanding the other is important.

I hate knowing that at the very moment I write this, innocent people are being killed in a war they never wanted to start. And innocent people dying everywhere form different causes because we use our money to make weapons instead of trying to help the people in the world

and I hate most of all knowing all this and not knowing what I could do to help.

Will there ever be a day on earth without war, I hope so.

This world has its horrors, It doesn't need more.

But you fought because you believed that maybe someday things could get better, and maybe they will but I don't think that's the solution.

I don't know if you killed any humans, erasing them form the surface of the Earth but I hope you haven't because killing another human, is killing a souls full of memories, thoughts, love, laughter, life, ideas, creation, an entirety of what a human life is, an infinity...

So we might not have agreed on some things, and I'm sad you died in the middle of such a cruel world, but it was your choice, you chose to serve and you knew it could kill you, yet you went on.

Why

I will never understand fully.

I will never understand you fully, I would have liked to have more time, to know you more, to love you longer, but that isn't possible anymore.

All I can do is move on, but I can't just yet, because I was so fully attached to you, I don't know how to break this chain,

Maybe one day I will, but is that a good thing or a bad one?

because I love you and I never want to stop loving you, but I want the pain to end,

to be able to think about you and smile, not suffer.

I want to live and not be pulled back down, but how, how, can I do this,

I'm hoping time will help because I can't do this on my own.

Nora's here

and Tim, who is ever so kind,

You would have liked him.

Just wanted to talk

-Jane