True but Unrequited

Confused.

Shuhua's POV

<<You're not like that Shuhua.>>

<<But I'm defending you.>>

<<You're not defending me if you're trying to ruin someone else's life.>>

<<They are ruining mine.>>

<<Listen, just because your father is getting married again doesn't mean that she's disrespecting me or my memory. Life goes on, my dear daughter. Don't hold any grudge, you're only hurting yourself and me.>>

I suddenly woke up sweating and crying.

"Does my mom really think that?"

I held my chest to slow down my heartbeat, it was like I drank ten espressos without stopping.

I can't think straight, what if this is a sign that I have to stop doing what I'm planning to do? Somehow I can't help being crazy angry everytime I see Soojin unnie, even if it's not her fault, because clearly everything happened after my mom died, I still can't accept the feeling that my dad's getting married again.

"What if you're doing this because your dad is getting married to the person you like and not because you have to defend your mom's memory?" my unconscious suddenly butted in.

<<Shut up! I'm doing this all for my mom.>> I said angry to myself before getting out of bed.

I went to the bathroom to wash my face that was soaked in tears and then went straight to the kitchen to make myself a hot tea. My mom used to make me one to calm down and it always worked.

I sat on the sofa that was in my backyard and stared at the stars. I couldn't help but think about the dream.

"What if I really have to stop?"

"What if I'm doing this because I'm jealous?"

"Will I really be happy if I break my dad and Soojin unnie's hearts?"

My head is about to explode that I had to massage it.

<<Can't sleep?>> I suddenly heard Soojin unnie from the back. I turned my head towards her direction and nodded then I looked again at the sky.

<<Me neither.>> She said while sitting beside me. We stayed silent for a while until she spoke again.

<<Why can't you sleep?>> She asked. I knew she was looking at me as I could sense it with the corner of my eye.

<<I dreamed of my mom.>> I said while looking at the stars.

<<Was it a good dream?>> She asked.

<<The fact that I dreamed of her it's good, but what she said... I- I'm not sure.>> I said stuttering.

God! Why do I feel so guilty now?

<<You wanna talk about it?>> She uttered waiting for me to answer.

<<I- I don't think she's- proud of me right now.>> I said. I could already feel the tears slowly coming out.

<<Why would you say that?>> Soojin unnie asked me while holding my hand.

<<Since the day she passed away, I felt lonely. Like, I lost everything also myself. My dad wasn't able to comfort me even once and I've been hating him with all my might without stopping. Maybe that's the reason why my mom is kind of disappointed in me.>> I said while rubbing my nose.