Diary of a Survivor

July 3rd, 2015

July 3rd, 2015

In a sense, I suppose my life has been fairly perfect. Things came easy for a girl like me, one with beautiful brown locks, radiant green eyes with the body to match. I did fairly well in school, a total nerd at heart but popular with all of the right people. I ended up graduating high school with honors and with that, I was on my way to one of the most prestigious Universities in Vancouver for Veterinary Sciences. Life couldn't have gotten any more perfect for me.

Though, with all I had, there would be a lot more that I have lost, my story doesn't come without its own share of tragedy;

I was in love once, and I truly thought he was the one. Jamie was a freshman at the University of Vancouver, accepted with a full scholarship based solely on his Football career throughout high school. He was that stereotypical douche you see in all the movies, yet still I loved him more than life itself. I guess you could say I was drunk in love, blinded by the bad because all I wanted to see was the good inside of him...that, and he was pretty hot. That was an added bonus.

It wasn't until a fateful evening in October when the fantasy I had created with this man came to a crashing halt. I would never know it until I got the call shortly after midnight, that I had sentenced my niece to death.

He was behind the wheel cruising down Highway 17 with my fourteen year old niece, Katrina, and a couple of his frat buddies. I had to study for the big exam and stayed behind at school. I trusted him to take her home, and I thought everything would be okay..

It wasn't too long after that when Jamie swerved into an oncoming transport truck carrying more than a thousand pounds of lumber. The police said they were killed instantly. My older brother, Cody, struck by overwhelming grief, took his own life shortly after that. I have to live with this reality every single day...

I'm no stranger to loss, and for those brave enough to read the journal of a dead girl, I'm sure you're in for one hell of a ride.

Tragedy follows me where I go.. the people in my life- the ones I love and care about most... nobody is safe. Shit, don't believe be after that story? Yesterday grandfather was shot dead after attacking and biting several residents at his retirement community in what the responding officer referred to as "a ravenous rampage". They found my grandmother dead in their room, soiled in her own blood. He ripped her throat out with his teeth. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I guess he just went mad, maybe he finally had enough of grandmas bickering? Who knows, but that's all anyone has been talking about

I don't cry about too much anymore. I'm feel like a hollow shell of who I used to be, I'm cold, nothing affects me anymore. When I heard the news of my grandparents, all I could think was "at least it wasn't me", which sounds cold. I hate myself for it, but that's who I've become, bitter and selfish. When tragedy touches you so often it changes who you were, or who you'll become. At this rate I'm surprised I am not a serial killer yet...

  Then comes the latest in a string of tragedies plaguing my life- a couple of weeks ago I had a visit with Dr. Songh, a highly regarded doctor in the small community of White Rock. I guess when I was faced with my own mortality it brought back that feeling of being human again. The news wasn't great. I was dying, breast cancer, the killer of women worldwide. You never think it would happen to you, until it does.

At one point I thought I was immune to death, at the top of the world and living my life like I wouldn't die. I suppose I was just young and dumb to actually believe that. Something's going to take me out sooner or later, probably more sooner than later.

Since my visit with Dr Songh the tumour has grown in size. It's about the size of quarter now. My brain can't comprehend the thought of dying, yet here I am. I'm scheduled to return home to P.E.I in a weeks time to have the tumour removed and begin radiation therapy. They offered the surgery here, but I couldn't do it. Like a little girl lost in the great big world, I needed my parents.

When I was accepted to University I rushed down to Vancouver and never looked back.. lets just day, there is some regret with how I left things. I had nowhere to go, so I have been staying at my cousins place until the school year gets started. He's a bit of a dick but you take what you can get.

I haven't had the courage to say out loud that I have cancer. Nobody knows yet. Part of me thinks I'm too weak to make it through chemotherapy, and that I should just let it take me, it is my fate, after all.... but then, deep down, there's a part of me that wants to live, despite the tragedy, I'm still young.. I can recover.. I want to recover! I have my entire life ahead of me and a promising future if I can just get past this fork in the road.

I promise to myself that I will live every moment I have left in the moment, treat every day like its my last because one day it will be. Say yes more, let your freak shine, don't let the bastards get you down, for this is my day and I am a conqueror! Every moment will be seized with honor- every path will be crossed and every avenue explored. 

... and while I do that, I will document the adventures I go on, the things I do and people I meet; so that it may change your life, like the moments I am about to face may change mine... This is the Diary of a Survivor, and I am Reese Hartland.