Right My Wrongs || Jordan Baker [ON HOLD]

Lose Yourself 《2》

The limpid sky, shown through the window in the Davis girl’s room, as she had debated her options. Janelle had been invited to a party, one with the  roadementery standards of rich highschoolers’; drugs, alcohol, inappropriate games, everything that can relate to teenagers being reckless,  to fit in.

She had tried to narrow the pros and cons of her options, as she sat down in her bed, as stared at the plain ceiling. Janelle didn’t like being put into these scenarios. She always seems to pick the wrong option or options. She had done it many times, never learning from the simple wrongdoings, as she had been making the same mistake over and over. 

It could be as simple as not doing her obligatory tasks, such as her homework, or taking out the trash so the kitchen does not have a bad odor,  simple yet necessary things. And others that have a great impact on her emotions and everyday mental stability: choosing to turn to drugs as a fix, choosing the wrong lovers, and not being true to herself. They all have outweighing consequences, either good or bad. 

Though trying to come up with a decision was harder than expected. After using and becoming an addict, Janelle quit being the same, careless, happy, and even proud self she was. Janelle made a wrong decision, and it made her someone that she didn’t recognize. The guilt, the doubt, the same voice in the back of her head, telling her she was never going to be good enough, those thoughts and emotions clouded her from learning how to become the person she wanted to be. But, she was stuck in between. Stuck in the middle of what she wanted and what everyone around her wanted her to be. 

As for her mother, Football was something extra that her daughter was doing. She wanted for her daughter to learn the reality she would not make the exploits of her past become what she wanted to be. She wanted her daughter to focus on having a major in English or become a person of law, nothing of which Janelle wanted. 

Her lovers wanted her to be a girl. One with regular girl duties, and those girls who worry about her makeup being cakey or be a girl that cares about the outfit she would choose and plan it days ahead. Janelle could never be that. Not that it was wrong to be, she just didn’t want that for herself. She wanted challenges, and wanted to be seen as someone great, so, the hardships were worth it to her if she could be viewed as an inspiring individual. 

Maybe that's why her relationships never worked. Not just those of romance, but those in her general facility. Friends, parents, significant others, are complicated for her. She was maybe too independent or too goal-oriented, and people maybe could have seen her as someone who was conceived in her accomplishments, and maybe...she was. 

Janelle knew she was not good at opening up or expressing her emotions and feelings. She just let them linger around in her mind and as they build up, and they eventually spew out of her like lava spouting out of a volcano in the Haiiwen Islands. 

The pressure was adrenaline to her, also was rage. She was set many expectations being a football player, and a woman at the same time, that she learned to file those emotions and thoughts into her games and practices.

She has missed out on many experiences because she had traded them for her dream. She still had her illusions, such as love and things of the sort, but most times, she had stuck to her dreams, rather than those illusions. They kept her at bay, as she saw everyone around her live happily, and she had reached for that same sentiment her entire life. So, those experiences she was missing out on, never bugged her much. 

The time came when she had to make up her mind. It was either stay home, all alone like every other day, after practice, before school, or any other time she wasn't training or practicing. Or, she would go to the party, attempt to have fun, and probably fail, or she would have fun, and ‘reward’ herself for all the pain and hardships she has endured. Maybe even get to see a side of her she had not seen in a while.