La Reyna de León (Queen of León)

Chapter 11

Day after day I remain the same. I've had so many panic attacks I can't count them anymore. I have barely slept since they were killed. Everyone I close my eyes I see them dead in the floor.
Today is their funerals. I don't know if I could handle seeing them in a coffin ready to be put 6ft underground. Then I thought of my joining them. Underground. My uncle has also been the same way as me. I hear him scream from his room. Me and him haven't eaten since the incident. I was slowly dying and so was he. Our worlds crashing down. Now we don't have much to lose now. I only have him and Luis. And my uncle only has me. Soon who know who may survive. Your enemies watching your every move.
I get dressed in a black skinny jeans. A black shirt with a black sweater. With my black vans. I sit on my bed waiting for my uncle. Staring at the wall. Tears falling down my face.
My uncle stands at my doorway.
"You ready?" He said in a raspy husky voice. His eyes red and his hands full of scraps and scratches.
I look at him and nod. I haven't talked in over a week. They are going to be buried not far for the ascienda. On our family land. We start walking to where they were going to be buried. I didn't know if I could look at their faces. Knowing they won't wake up from this eternal sleep.
We arrive at their grave spot. Four caskets near a dug up hole. I stop in front of them. I was feeling another panic attack. I start shaking really bad. My uncle notices and embraces me. "It's ok. I know it hurts but we have to say goodbye." He says. He starts to cry too. We walk up to them together. I think
Please don't leave me. Please stay with me. I still need you.
We put black roses in their caskets. It's a family tradition to put a black rose in a family member's casket. Black roses were meant for the dead. Red roses were meant for the living.
My uncle says to my dad, "Don't worry, hermano. I'll take care of her. She is in good hands. She will carry on your legacy. I'm going to miss you." He starts to sob. And steps back.
"I faked my death to protect you guys. Now your the one that are dead. I wish it would have been me. Not you guys!!! You don't deserve it!!!! I promise i won't forget you guys. I will always love you." I say.
As they let down the caskets into the ground I lose my shit. I kneel on the ground and start to cry.
"Nnoooo. Please don't go. I still need you!" I say. I scream out for my dad, my mom, my grandma, and for my little brother. My uncle kneels beside me. Now I feel numb. I feel like nothing in me is living.
We walk back to the ascienda. I go to my room. I have no other choice but to continue carrying on. But I didn't want to. Not without them.
Luis kept texting me but I didn't answer. I didn't want to risk his life. I didn't want to see him dead like my family. He also tried calling me but I didn't answer.
I sit in my bedroom floor. Rocking back and forth. I might be losing my mind now. I guess I'm waiting for death now. My uncle is in the same state as me. He still checks up on my to see if I'm alive. Now this was my life. Losing people I loved. My enemies going after them.
I had to think of a way to make them pay. Pay for killing them. I needed time. I get up and go to my uncles room.
I walk in and he's on his bed sitting slouching down. He looks up at me.
"I want to take revenge on their death. I want them to pay for killing them in cold blood." I said.
He looks at me in a confused face. I think he didn't think that would come out of my mouth.
"I don't think you would want that. Think about it-" he said before I cut him of.
"Gosh, that's all I've been fucking doing thinking and thinking and thinking!!! I want them to pay. I want them dead." I said in a cold voice. Now i didn't care if I had to take another life. It was different back then but now I realize people take lives for a reason. And now I have one. For my family. And for the protection of my uncle and Luis.
He looks at me I shock.
"We have to to give it time." He said.
"You said I was ready to take lead of this cartel. Now I feel like I'm ready. So I'm going to take revenge with or without you." I said.
"Yes I did say you were ready, but you still need guidance. After the death of yours and mine family we can't do it right now. Your not thinking straight right now." He said.
"I'm the leader now. And like I said I'm doing it with or without you." I said and I walk off to my room. Now I was a new person. The old little girl that was scared to kill was dead. She died the day my family was killed. Now a new Maria was born. More ruthless than the one before. Didn't hesitate to kill if it meant for the safety of people she loved. That was the new me. I pick up my phone and text Luis. I was going to tell him everything, but not here. Somewhere far away.
I'll pick you up later today. I need to tell you something important.
I send the message. I sit on my bed thinking. I cry again. Feeling as another panic attack came. But then I got up and looked at my closet. Taking out pictures of me and my family. Making my pain even worse but I wanted to look at them. I was angry. I didn't think it would ever calm down from here on out.