Pen Pals - Dear Evan Hansen

Chapter 2

TW: contemplating suicide

Connor's POV

I stare down blankly at my phone screen waiting for an answer. Knowing life-is-meh, it shouldn't take too long. He's usually a fast replier.

life-is-meh: why would you even ask something like that?

life-is-meh: i'd miss you so fucking much. you're my only real friend, and i genuinely care about you

Yea right. I toss my phone to the side and turn my attention back to the bottle of pills next to me on my bed. No one would miss you. Just do it already. It's not like anyone would care anyway.

I'm shaken back to reality by a banging on my door.

"Connor!" I hear Cynthia call, "We have to talk about you skipping school today. You can't just hide up in your room forever."

"Well, at least I can try!" I shout back.

"It's your first day of senior year," she starts as she unlock my door with a key they had made a few months ago. I hurry to hide the bottle under my pillow before she can see. "I expected more from you," she says with that same disappointed tone that I'm so used to.

"Not my problem."

"I really wish you would talk to me. I'm worried about you," she says, though I highly doubt it. All she worries about is us being a picture-perfect family so she can brag to all her friends about it. Now, she doesn't even mention me. It's all "Zoe this" and "Zoe that," but she never has anything good to say about me.

My phone buzzes and lights up next to me, and I know it has to be the only person who ever talks to me.

life-is-meh: why aren't you answering??

life-is-meh: i'm worried about you

life-is-meh: please don't do anything stupid

"Are you just gonna ignore me now?" she says with a sigh.

"Pretty much," I say mimicking her sigh. I'm not even looking at her at this point. I'm just debating what to say to life-is-meh.

"Unbelievable," she scoffs as the walks out and shuts the door behind her. I'm too lazy to get up and lock it, so I just leave it as it is.

I look back at my phone. He's worried about me? He's the second person to say that today. Maybe they're telling the truth. They're just saying that. They don't mean it.

I can't take my mind of if the sleeping pills under my pillow. I want so badly to just take them so I can stop everything, but something's stopping me. I don't know what it is, but there's this tugging feeling in the back of my mind that's telling me to just wait. It's like it knows something good is about to happen, but I highly doubt it. Good things don't happen to Connor.

Maybe today's not the day. I get up and put the bottle back into it's hiding place behind some books on my bookshelf. No one else in the house reads, so it's not like I have to worry about anyone finding it.

I decide not to respond to life-is-meh because what am I supposed to say? Oh don't worry. It was just a random question. I'm completely mentally stable. That doesn't even sound right coming out of my mouth.

———————————————

"Go get your brother, and tell him dinner is ready," I hear Cynthia say even from all the way upstairs. For once, I don't have my "turning my sadness to anger" playlist blasted on my speaker for all to hear, so I can actually hear what's going on around the house. I'm up and at the door before Zoe can even start to knock. I swing it open to see a startled Zoe.

"Mom said-"

"Yea, I heard," I cut her off as I shove past her and start down the stairs.

"Could you maybe try-I don't know-not being a dick sometimes?" she snaps.

I don't even bother with a comeback. There's no point. It would just lead to an argument which would cause me to get in trouble (not her because she's such an angel), and that's the last thing I need right now. I've already had a shit day. First, Kleinman was starting shit like he always does. Then, I pushed that poor kid in the halls for no reason. Evan, right? Yea, he didn't deserve that.

I sit down in my seat at the table to a plate of... something mimicking spaghetti when Zoe starts riling me up again.

"Mom, something's wrong with Connor. He's not being an ass to me for once."

"Zoe, that wasn't very nice," she says not even looking up from her plate. It's not like she actually cares.

"Maybe he's finally turned himself around," Larry says sarcastically with his eyes glued to his phone where they always are. He's more interested in baseball than he ever will be in our family.

"Or maybe he had a bad fucking day at school, and no one cares enough to ask," I snap at them which finally got their attention.

"Connor, what have I told you about raising your voice at the dinner table?" Cynthia scolds.

"Whatever. I don't have time for this," I mutter under my breath as I get up out of my chair and head for the door.

"And where do you think you're going?" Cynthia asks.

"Probably off somewhere doing drugs like I always am. Because that's all you see when you look at me, right?! A fucking druggie." I slam the front door behind me.

"See what you did, Larry?" I hear Cynthia going off on him through the closed door.

Good news: I'm out of that lame excuse of a home.
Bad news: I left my jacket which means no earbuds and no cigs.

I need to stop leaving then in my jacket pockets and in my jeans instead. It's also freezing outside, and the sun's going down. Great.

life-is-meh: just text me so i know you're ok

I guess I can put this boy out of his misery now. He probably thinks I'm dead at this point.

cancer.sticks: hey i'm alright. sorry for scaring you

life-is-meh: thank god

life-is-meh: i was scared you were hurt or something and i couldn't do anything about it

life-is-meh: what's going on?

What do I even say? The truth maybe.

cancer.sticks: i was just thinking about some stuff. i'm safe though don't worry

life-is-meh: you better be

life-is-meh: i don't wanna lose you

This guy really does seem to care, huh?