LOVE, LUST or HATE

𝔗𝔴𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔶 𝔬𝔫𝔢 (𝟚𝟙)

"Blessed are the merciful,
For they shall obtain mercy."
~ Matthew 5:7 (NKJV)

𝐃𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 10𝐭𝐡, 𝐓𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐝𝐚𝐲
14:47
3𝐫𝐝 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧

"Nah, you're lying bro." Rachel shook her head in disbelief at what Joshua had just told her.

"I'm not." He muttered.

"You're sister when through the same shit. Why would you do some shit like that?"

"I don't know what was going through my head at the time, but I take full responsibility and I know it was sick. That's why I'm handing myself in."

"Good that you know." She muttered before awkward silence overtook the room.

"You hate me?" Joshua asked after some time.

"Nah, I could never hate you. I'm just mad disappointed in you. I know I said I would support you through everything even your mistakes, you know I can't support you on this one."

"Yeah, I know. Imma hand my self in after Tosins birthday."

"Does she know?"

"Yeah, she started crying and shit. She's the one that convinced me to hand myself in in the first place. She doesn't wanna see me or have any sort of communication though, and I don't blame her."

"I don't either." She sighed, still not believing the whole situation. She had mixed feelings. No matter what had happened between the two, the love she had for Joshua is unconditional. Even though they both did each other dirty, they both have so much love for each other people would call them dumb. Rachel knows she doesn't want to be on his side in this situation because it makes her sick, she is in love with a rapist. It would make anyone sick. However, she doesn't want to leave him to live life alone. She knows how rapists get treated in jail and she knows he regrets what he has done, but she can't let him off because if it was anyone else, she would be feeling nothing but pure hatred and disgust towards them.

"Imma cut now." Joshua stood up and walked to the door ready to leave.

"Love you!" Rachel shouted out to him causing a small smile to appear on his face, those two words meant more to him than anyone would ever know.

"I love you too." He mumbled before leaving. He sat in his car for a good twenty minutes, deeping life and where he is. He would have never thought he would be in this type of position. Some may think he's only feeling bad because people found out but he's honestly been regretting everything from the second it happened. He's self-harmed on multiple occasions and was so close to killing himself but he didn't feel like that would be fair. Killing himself was an easy way out for him, he wouldn't have to deal with the pain and regret anymore, however, the two women he raped would still have to live with the trauma so he didn't think it would be fair. He was somewhat happy Tosin and Rachel now knew because it's taken him a lot to keep it a secret.

He drove off and just drove around London. He didn't know where to go. He didn't want to go to his house because his opps knew where he lived and he knew there were gonna be people waiting there for him after killing Isiah, he couldn't stay with Rachel because he knew she needed space from him and he most definitely wasn't going to stay with Tosin, she would try to kill him in the middle of the night.

After a while of driving around London, he got tired so said fuck it and went home. He didn't care who wanted his head or what happened to him at this point. When he got there, there was a group of boys with balaclavas on at the front. He rolled down his window before saying, "Where you man from."

"SE18 still. What this your yard?" The boy asked. He was young, fifteen to be exact. He didn't know who he was meant to be here for but if he didn't come with the rest of them, he would've got rushed afterwards.

"Nah," Joshua said, knowing Woolwich was Isiah's ends. He kind of did feel bad about deading him, but at the same time, he didn't give a fuck. Joshua was the one that had to comfort Tosin every day when he did her wrong, Joshua saw the amount of pain he caused his little sister. So he was lowkey happy he killed him.

"Aight, if you see that nigga JA, come back here and tell me."

"Cool, say no more likkle one." Joshua chuckled, before winding the window back up and driving again.

Whoever is riding out for Isiash is so fucking dumb, he thought to himself. He wasn't wrong, the person was dumb, but the person didn't care. He wanted justice for Isiah's death.

He drove to a house he forgot he had, it was the house he used when he needed to get away from reality. It was his safe spot. No one knew where this was or even that he had it not even Tosin. He kept it private because this was the only place he felt at peace.

He got out of his car and walked in. He smiled, seeing everything was exactly how he left it. It was plain, no clour other than black walla. His furniture was dark grey and so was his carpet. He knew that if someone was to see the interior design of this house they would cuss him out, but he didn't care because this house is for him and no one else.

He went straight to his bed and tried to sleep.

But he couldn't.

All he could think about was how much he had let everyone down. He let his sister down, the one person he promised to protect and make proud. Tosin's opinion is the only person he cared about. He did everything for her. He was living his life for her. Knowing he has made her feel disgusted and hurt, pains him more than anyone could ever know.

He also thought about Rachel. No matter how much Rachel hurt him, he loved her. A lot. She was the only girl, other than Tosin, that made him smile. She was his soul mate. He wouldn't want to be with anyone else and neither would she. He wished he protected Tosin more, then she wouldn't have met Isiah, everything that has happened to her, he's managed to blame himself. He was supposed to make her happy, and he did the opposite.

But it's too late now. All he can do is firm the pain and continue his miserable life, alone.

~~~~~

so it's been a while loool. I don't like how I did this book, so instead of doing 30 chapters, Imma shorten it to 25. Then rewrite it properly, cah this book is all over the place I can't lie lol.

But anyways, vote and comment guys.

~𝒌𝒂𝒚𝒚 💕...