What If I Jumped? (Kiribaku)

• Chapter Thirty-three •

Kirishima's pov

When Bakugo left, I felt my heart beat fasten. Mr.Aizawa was kneeling down on the floor next to the bed I was laying down in, talking to me and asking questions. I tried to ignore him and go to sleep but he kept on shaking my shoulder, telling me that I had to answer. He looked worried, which was understandable, but I didn't want to get anyone involved in my mess.

"Kirishima-"

"Huh? Oh.."

"So how long?"

"..Sorry, I wasn't listening. Could you ask the question again?"

He sighed, "How long have you been self harming?"

"Um.. I guess a few years, maybe? I'm not sure.." I rested my head into my pillow as I faced Aizawa sensei, my eyes looking at the blanket.

"Years?" He sounded scared I think. Or maybe sad was a better word.

"Yeah.."

"Why do you self harm?"

"I uh- I guess I do it because it's a way of punishing myself for not being good enough.."

"Kirishima you are good enough."

"I know you're trying to help sir, but it doesn't matter how many times I get told I'm good enough because I'll never believe it. It doesn't sink in to my brain, even if I tell myself it's true."

"What about bad thoughts? Do you get them? I assume you do."

"Yeah, I get those."

"What are the constant ones?"

"Normally I'll get a little voice in my head that tells me I'm useless or weak. That no one needs me or even wants me. I'm just a waste of space and have no purpose. I shouldn't be here. Shit like that."

"Shouldn't be here? Could you elaborate, just so I'm certain about what you mean?"

"I meant shouldn't be alive."

"How often do you get these thoughts?"

"Sometimes for weeks at a time, sometimes a few days or even hours. It ranges."

"Okay. And.. how do you snap out of thinking those things?"

"Bakugo helps me.."

"How does he help you?"

"Uh.. he um.."

"I know you two are dating, so you can tell me and it will be fine."

"How did you know?" I was shocked, slightly, since we didn't really tell anyone.

"It's obvious."

I blushed lightly, "I didn't realize that.."

"It's okay. Anyway, how does Bakugo help you?"

"..Either he distracts me by watching movies with me or he hugs me and we fall asleep together. I think I get worse when I'm alone, I definitely get worse if he's not with me. I have to be around him most of the time, if not him, then someone I trust."

"Okay. Do you feel that you need him now?"

"No, I'm fine. I wished he was here, but its not serious because I'm talking to someone."

"That makes sense. So.. It's sort of a seperation anxiety?"

"Sort of, yeah."

"Are you calm now?"

"I'd say so.."

Though I wasn't so sure that I was calm. I would describe it like a numb feeling. I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel happy of course, I just felt fine. But it wasn't a good fine, it was more of an 'i don't care what happens to me now' sort of fine.