LAW OF ATTRACTION (Author's Reco)

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE

JENNIE

Mom and Dad are so busy processing all their papers for US to join Hanbin on his medication. Treatment here in Korea is too slow at the moment and we have noticed sometimes Hanbin couldn't hear us or process everything we say.
I told them that his brain must have affected some of his senses as time goes by.
And we have confirmed that with his Doctor.

God.
If only I listened to my parents and did not cheat on Lisa. I'm probably a surgeon by now or a pediatrician. Until when will I live with regrets?

It's been two weeks that Lisa and I are not talking. I always get a lot of messages from her. She has been coming here too but whenever she's around, I lock myself inside the room.
I am not mad at her. I just feel so low whenever I'm with her. I keep blaming myself for cheating. I question life a lot. I am also scared of the possibilities that she might revenge. I know I don't deserve her forgiveness. But I am still grieving on losing my parents. I don't think I can take another pain again. I might lose myself.
And what if Lisa will try to touch me again and I can't say no? We know that I can't say no to her not only because I love her. But I really have this big desire to have her back again.

L: Jennie...

L: Jennie, please respond to me.

L: Will you please talk to me?

L: What's your problem with me? Tell me.

L: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

How can I forgive her if she herself could not even forgive me? I have not even forgiven myself yet for what I did to her. Ironic.

Three days ago, I am losing my appetite and Mom is really worried about me. I also don't understand what I'm going through. I feel dizzy. I'm having constant headache and body pain. I feel so sad.
Is this because I am still in the process of coping up with my loss?
I know I am fighting but—
but this one's different.

I checked on my toiletries and listed everything I need as I have to go to the mall and buy stuff. Mom allowed me to go out alone today and bring their car. Miracle.

As I was checking, I noticed my sanitary pads are still enough for a month.
Wait.

I am supposed to have my period two weeks ago.

No.
Oh no.

Fuck.
Fuck!
Why did I let her?
I have been letting Lisa come inside me without any protection at all. We always forget to use one since we get carried away most of the time.

God.
Please, no.
Not now.
Not now that I am unstable in some aspects of my life.

My savings are not enough.
Seriously, I don't have any left because I transferred everything to Lisa as my payment when she's the one who paid for the hospital bills and my parents' wake and burial.

The case.
My uncle was proven guilty.
I just saw it on the news since Lisa and I are not talking lately and I don't want to talk to anyone else especially the media regarding my parents' death.
Why did my uncle kill my parents? It's so unclear to me. I think I have to ask Lisa about it.

But before that, I need to go now and buy a test kit. I couldn't think straight.
I'm terrified. What if?

I used the mall's comfort room and had my urine dropped on two kits consecutively.

Shit.

No.

Positive.