basorexia (a.m.)

016. giggle at a funeral

Day 21

His funeral is on a Thursday. It's raining. It was raining when he died and it's raining at his funeral.

Addison goes alone. Alex stands with her.

His mom sits at the front along with his brothers.

The woman he jumped for, cries. A lot.

Izzie clasps her hand over her mouth and walks away quietly. Alex turns to Meredith who in turn, turns to Cristina. She makes a gesture with her head they all follow her. Izzie sits on the steps of a mausoleum. She holds her head in her hands and Alex and Cristina take a seat next to her.

"Iz, you okay," Alex asks.

"I'm sorry." Izzie laughs. Meredith looks at her friend in shock.

"You're laughing?" She says. "She's laughing." Meredith glances at Cristina.

"Sorry, it's just...George... George is dead. He's dead. They're about to put him in the ground and the priest is doing classic rock lyrics, and that girl, that redhead, is crying harder than his mother. And she never even met him." Izzie holds her head in her hands again and laughs at the absurdness of the situation. "And you," She points to Meredith. "You got married on a Post-lt."

"I got married on a Post-lt. I did." Meredith smiles.

"Charlie's missing and broke her sobriety!" Cristina laughs.

"That son of a bitch." Alex laughs and then says, "O'Malley got hit by a bus." They laugh together.

"Fuck." Alex says under his breath as the laughing eventually stops.

*

There's no wake. They all unanimously decide to go to Joe's and cry into their drinks.

Addison sits alone, staring into her scotch.

Callie takes a seat next to her and orders a vodka on the rocks.

"I'm not in the mood for talking, Callie," Addison mumbles, sipping from her glass.

"That's great neither am I." Callie takes her vodka and clinks it to Addison's then shoots it back. They sit in silence for a few moments then; "have you heard anything from Charlie?"

Addison shoots back her scotch and shakes her head. "I'm so angry at her and I'm just so...exhausted with worrying about her and hoping she'll turn up, that I'll open the door and say would she's sorry and we would be okay. That's what I hoped was happening yesterday. I thought she was coming home. I miss her." Addison starts to cry and Callie places a comforting hand on her best friends back. "Thank you...for being there yesterday. I don't think last night would have gone as...okay as it did without you." Callie smiles and rests her head on her friend's shoulder.

Alex looks over at Darcy, she's standing with Teddy. He stares until she looks at him, he immediately turns away.

"Oh my god," Meredith says. Cristina turns to where she is looking, Alex's head perks up and Izzie stares. Charlie paces outside the door, playing with her hands and muttering to herself. She's wearing a black dress, her hair pulled back. "Someone get Addison," Meredith whispers, her eyes locked on her best friend. Alex jumps up from the table and goes to find his makeshift sister-in-law.

"Charlie?" Meredith gently calls as she opens the door.

"I...I wanted to go." She says, her eyes staring at the floor.

"It's okay."

"It's not! It's not okay. I missed his funeral because I was getting high in a fucking park."

"Charlie-" Meredith starts.

"I'm not a good person, Meredith." Charlie cuts her off and sits on the stairs, her leg shaking.

"Charlie?" A voice calls, Charlie looks up and Addison stands in the doorway, dressed in black, her arms wrapped around herself.

Charlie stands up from her spot on the stairs and takes a breath. "Hi." Addison strides across to Charlie and her hand lands cleanly on Charlie's face. Her head whips to the side, her eyes close. The sting of the slap resonates for a while. She stands for a second, not daring to move her head, not daring to look her wife in the eyes,

"20 days. That's how long you were gone, Charlotte. What happened last night, why did you come by the house? Why did you give me hope in that you were coming home." There's a moment of silence between them. "I thought you were dead," Addison manages to choke out. "I phoned hospitals, police stations, god, Charlie! I even checked the morgues!" Addison's voice fills Charlie's head.

"I'm sorry." She mumbles. A false apology.

"You're sorry?! No, you're not. If you were sorry, you would come home, you would stop hurting yourself. If you were sorry you would turn up to your friend's funeral sober."

"Addison, maybe we should go inside," Meredith takes her arm, trying to lead her inside.

"I thought you were stronger than this." Addison breaks away from Meredith's hold. "I thought that you were strong enough to fight." Addison's voice quietens and Charlie

"I'm not. I'm not strong enough." Charlie mumbles, she glances at the floor. "I thought I was, but I'm not. I'm not ready for this Addie. For this...happy life that we've been planning. I can't do it."

"What...what do you mean?" Addison says, taking a step back.

"I'm not perfect and neither are you and you're pushing me to be this perfect version, this perfect wife and that's not me. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mom, maybe I wasn't cut out to be a wife." Charlie sits down on the steps and holds her head in her hands. "I can't do this right now. I think...I think I need some time."

"How much time?"

"I don't know Addie! I just need time!" Charlie snaps, she's crying now and she doesn't know what to do.

"Charlie-"

"I'm gonna go," Charlie mumbles and she gets up from the stairs and runs away.

Addison just stands there, the tears running down her cheeks hoping her marriage isn't over.