Coming to Terms

Chapter 13 Emily

Emily's Pov

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Why cant I stop crying.

I've been crying ever since I left y/ns house. My heart hurts in ways I never imagined it could. I didn't mean to hurt her. I shouldn't have said the things I said.

"I thought we actually made some progress last night, but of course you want to ruin it. You don't actually want this, do you. You just wanted to hurt me. You're actually just a little homophobic asshole that wanted to hurt someone who didn't fit your morals. Maybe you're not maybe you do care about me like you said before, but I doubt it. If you really cared about me you wouldn't do this to me. You're throwing away everything we've worked through just because you can't handle it an-"

I didn't mean to say that. I really really didn't mean to. I was just so upset about the paper. Why would she come to me for help if she was just going to go to a camp that will reverse the work we've made and some more. That would be worse than her school and family telling her its bad and that she would go to hell. I didn't mean she a homophobic asshole. 

Shit

I really shouldn't have said that. 

The moments like this in our relationship break my heart more than anything else. More than getting shot actually. The moment she pulls away and it seems like I might lose her.

"I believe your exact words were 'I mean it Emily you are the most gorgeous woman I've ever met. Inside and Out'"

"I-" I try to collect my thoughts and come up with a good lie

"You meant it didn't you? And it scares you?"

"No why would I mean it" I finally say

I will never be more grateful to achohol than the night Y/n got drunk. I don't think I ever would have said anything about liking her because I was unsure if she liked girls. Honestly I wouldn't expect any other reaction than for her to lie in that moment. 

"Well um it's because um I-I'm ugly underneath Ems. I have stretch marks and scars and I'm not beautiful like you or like anyone. I don't want you to think I'm ugly but you have every right to, because I mean I-I am. And I should tell you these scars aren't just scars from the field. They're um they're s-self ha-harm scars"

"Oh baby" Emily frowns and her face is full of sympathy. "Do you um do you still" She doesn't finish her sentence, clearly uncomfortable.

"N-not really"

Emily raises her eyebrows as to ask what I mean by that.

"Nothing no I don't. I just wanted to tell you before you saw them."

Crap no no no no I didn't even think that she could self harm again. I should've answered one of her calls. She left voicemail but I cant bring myself to listen to them. I can't leave her alone when she might be a danger to herself.

"Emily?" 

"Spencer" 

"Whats up" Spencer asks

I can hear cars in the background. He's probably driving somewhere important. Spencer takes the metro everyehere he can. Everyone knows Spencer hates driving.

"Um I'm w-worried about Y/n and I know you guys are close s-so can you go check on her please"

"Of course I'm actually on my way to her house right now"

"O-oh okay call me with an update please"

"I will"

"T-thank Spence I'll talk to you later"

I can't stop thinking about all the little moments in our relationship.

Y/n doesn't say anything, She just look into my eyes. Dragging her eyes down to my lips then back towards my eyes. She kiss me. It's short but just like all of our kisses it says so much. This is her telling me she's okay and that I can keep going. I smile into the kiss and nod, knowing exactly what she's trying to say, before pulling away.

This night was the best night of our entire relationship. 

It was just last night but it feels like it happened ages ago. 

I keep thinking about all the moments of our relationship. 

"FUCK" I yell when I see a car coming at me right before the car hits me.

I'm sorry I know this chapter sucks and I know I havemn't updated in over a month I just haven't been doing great lately and I don't have any motivation to write. I'm supposed to be doing my history project rght now but I wrote instead. Anyway.. I hope you all are doing well.

<3