Our Red and Blue Dynamic

Langa

We talked for a little while, and everything fell back into routine. No stress, no pressure, just Reki and me, the way we were before.

Except it wasn't the same for me. I desperately wanted to just tell him everything right then and there, about all of the feelings I had been having since meeting him, about those feelings being because of Reki, about me being gay. I tried so hard to put up a facade and just be normal, but the more we acted like all was right in the world, the more my heart ached. And then something inside me snapped.

"Hey, Reki?" I started talking before my brain had caught up.

"What's up?" He said. For a moment, time stood still.

Tell him. Tell him everything. Tell him that the reason you aren't okay is because of your feelings. And that those feelings are because of him. Feelings for him. Tell him that it isn't a girl you're interested in, that you've never been interested in girls. You need to do something, say something, or ask him something. Anything.

"I was wondering if I could ask you something?" He stopped looking around, eyes on me.

"Yeah, of course. Is everything okay?"

Then the dam broke, and everything I had been hiding, suppressing, and ignoring came bubbling up and bursting out, and all control was lost. I felt my body start shaking and curled into a ball to try and stop the shaking. I tried to answer him, but I wasn't actually sure if I managed to make any words come out.

I heard him say something. He sounded so far away. I vaguely felt a warmth against me and realized that he was there, trying to reach me. I felt a tight grip on my shoulder, and if only a little, I felt more grounded. I pressed my face into my hands and once again tried talking, wanting to apologize. Then his voice was closer, right beside my ear, his breath tickled my skin. The hand that had been holding onto me pulled me closer to him. Before I knew what I was doing, I had my arms around him. I squeezed my eyes shut, tears streaming down my face. One of his hands rubbed my back while the other settled on the back of my head, bringing me in even closer. I willed myself to stop crying, gathering myself enough to say something.

"I-" I choked out, "-I'm gay."

"What did you say? I can't hear you." He gently pushed me away. I kept my head down so he wouldn't see how miserable I looked.

"-can't," I said, voice cracking.

"Can't? Can't what?" He brushed some of the hair from my face, fingers trailing down my cheek. I shuddered at the touch, and he took his hand away.

"Control myself, my feelings."

"It's okay, you don't always have to," he said, taking my hands. "Let's go to my house, okay?" He tugged upward. I squeezed his hands, closed my eyes, and focused on my breathing.

Stay.

I stood, using his hands to steady myself.

"Wanna go to mine?" He asked. I couldn't form the words to respond, nodding instead. I let go of one of his hands to wipe a stray tear from my face. He turned away to grab his board without letting go of my other hand.

Please don't let me go.

"Ah! I'm sorry!" He jerked his hand away and bowed, apologizing. He shoved my board into my arms and whirled around again, not giving me a chance to react. "Uh, l-let's go."

We walked mostly in silence. The few attempts at conversation felt uncomfortable and awkward, and quickly fizzled out. I tried meeting his eyes, but he refused to look up.

What have I done? I shouldn't have broken down like that, he doesn't need to be worrying about me. Now he won't even look at me. I've probably made him super uncomfortable, I doubt he even wants to still hang out with me anymore. He probably only did all that out of pity, I must be such an annoyance.