What a strange feeling to wake up in the morning with having absolutely no reason to do so. I cannot quite remember the last time I woke up because I wanted to, the last time I did not even care or shared a thought about it. Now, everything I am surrounded by are my second thoughts. Or third ones, as you might say it. Yet, I forgot about the first ones, the most important ones. Maybe I should try to clear myself out here. All I am thinking about lately is 'Why should I get up?', 'What reason do I have to continue my routine?' Because it is always the same. I am driving around in this devil circle not even trying to find a way out. Everything is the same. Nothing changes. Where did my life go? Is this what is called reality?
My mind is helpless and in need of a solution. Sometimes, I observe myself starring in the mirror, into my own reflection, and it feels like the world falls down on me. I am aware that the only real pressure somebody can put on me is myself, though through the years it always felt like that I used to blame everybody else for giving me a 'push' through life. Right now, there is nothing. Seems like reality hit me real hard in the face. Despite, I cannot find my strength anymore to hit back. My own presence is hindering me. Am I turning mad again?
I used to think about six impossible things before breakfast. Either my breakfast is my dinner now or these impossible things turned into nightmares. After all, I think I still have not quite cleared myself out. What I am trying to express here is that I am missing the bright days of life. I am missing it wanting to wake up early in the morning to seize the day, whatever it was that I was expecting. I have completely lost my energy, my motivation, especially something to hold on to. Perhaps, I am not talking about a 'something' and more of a 'someone'. Whenever the time is right, then it should suit me best. Although I think I could care better for that person than care for me right now.
