Blue || Bucky Barnes

20. You Can't Kill Me

The pair wake up around the same time the next day but don't mutter a word to one another. They go about their days working around each other. Both their minds are still swimming from what happened at the bar. You could cut the tension in the room with a butter knife. It's beyond awkward.

At around mid afternoon Leia finally breaks the silence, she needs to get away. "I'm going to the markets, do you need anything?" She asks Bucky who stands by the couch.
"No." He shakes his head simply.
She collects herself and leaves the apartment, breathing a heavy sigh when she's in the hallway.

Meanwhile back inside Bucky runs his hands through his hair nervously for some reason. He wants to talk to her, but what would he even say? How can he get to know her? That's when Bucky's eyes catch the leather bound book under the couch cushion, Leia's journal. Perhaps he could read that. No she probably just writes her memories down like me. Bucky thinks, but what if it's not just her memories.

The demon on his shoulder makes him grab the book quickly, only it fumbles between his fingers falling onto the floor. The pages sprawl apart, facing down. He looks around the room quickly before picking it up.
Bucky sits down on the couch and leans on his knees. Before he can think too much he flips it over and looks down at the page. His eyes grow wide as he sees not words but a sketch. A sketch of him. His side profile. And it's insanely good, a spitting image of him. Leia must've drawn it, a while ago seeing as it's closer to the front of the book.

Leia made it down the stairs and into the street when she realizes she forgot money. How's she supposed to buy food without money. Rolling her eyes at her silly mistake she walks back up the stairs.

Bucky hears footsteps outside of their door and then it swings open. He closes the book and shoves it under his thigh as Leia walks back into the room.
"I just forgot the money- what're you doing?" Leia sees Bucky's guilty face almost immediately.
"Nothing." Bucky shrugs bringing his hands to his lap.
"What are you sitting on?" Leia asks with a small smile.
"Nothing Leia." He says again.
"Bucky..." She takes a step close to him and he falters. Bucky huffs and pulls her journal from under him knowing he's caught. "You were reading my journal?" Her voice breaks as she grabs it from him slowly.
"No! I dropped it and it opened up that's all." He tries to save himself.
"Bucky that's a real breach of privacy." Leia's voice is sad. She never thought he'd do something like this. "We have no privacy and that was the one thing we both had! That and our minds but Hydra seemed to wriggle their way in there."
"I just wanted to get to know you." Bucky says even though he knows what he did is wrong.
"Then talk to me Buck." Leia's voice is calm. She's mad and disappointed but she, for some reason, doesn't want to yell at him.

"I'm sorry." He looks up at her.
"At least tell me what you read?" She asks sitting down beside him, still leaving a fair gap between them.
"I didn't read anything... I just saw the sketch." He says sheepishly. Bucky recalls the sketch in his mind. He looked so peaceful, certainly nothing like what he looks like. It's sad to admit but after Hydra, Bucky can't help but see himself as this horrible monster. He doesn't want to feel that way but he can't help it.
"Oh." Leia says.
"Is that how you see me?" He opens it to the sketch and looks up at her. He really looks so peaceful and it shocks him.
"That's what you look like, I drew that on the plane to Galway." She looks back at him.
Bucky averts his eyes away from her. "That's not what I see in the mirror." He mumbles quietly. Leia's heart breaks entirely, but truthfully she feels the same and understands him. He's done some horrible things and he recalls all of them. It's understandable that he feels that way. Leia's not sure what to say to his comment, so she just keeps her mouth closed so she doesn't say anything stupid.

"I wish I could draw you how I see you." Bucky breaks the silence after a moment.
"Well how do you see me?" She whispers warily.
Bucky fiddles with his fingers nervously, looking down. "You're strong, intelligent...... beautiful." He looks up at her when he says the last adjective. Leia's heart skips a beat as she looks into his blue eyes. He thinks she's beautiful? She feels a few tears brim in her eyes but she pushes them down.
"Why now? What changed?" Leia asks. Though he's sharing so much with her she's still confused. Leia scoots closer to him and for the first time ever he doesn't flinch or move away.
"I think I've always known it... b-but I'm only brave enough to say it now." His voice breaks a little and Leia melts.