The woes of a Modern Day Sappho

Chapter 17: Stay near and give me some room

I need attention and affection 24/7 but I also need to be left Alison 24/7 do you see my problem?

I want to be loved, to be held. I want to sit with someone by the creek and look over the running water as we dangle our legs over the greenish water - as songs play and blend in with the background from my phone that lays forgotten beside me in the grass, to admire each other in total silence, to always be willing to come with me when I show up to your door from having a bad day and bring you down to the creek.

"Come with me down to the creek."

Sounds like a fairytale. I want love. I want love that feels like pop rocks - that fizzle and spark and sends electricity through my body. I want love that feels like laying on warm rocks - that are safe and can hold me and keep me warm.

I am the moon and I crave the sun. I am as cold as ice. I am as patient as a clock. I have the memory of a ladybug. I am as fragile as mouse; I want someone to hold me, to know how fragile I am and look after me.

But in turn I am shut off.

I am as mysterious as a page from a book. I am as quite as a moth. I am as unpredictable as an epilogue. I have trust issues, I am reserved and always seconding guessing - when I don't have the answer I'll make one up and it will always be the worst case scenario.

I am a puzzle. I want to be held and loved but at the same time I flinch so harshly at sudden movements, freeze up at touch and hugs feel like ants crawling all over my body. I pull away and randomly ghost for days but I can't help this. I will always ask you to leave but it's just a trick to see how much you care and when you play into my game I close off without explanation.

I am broken.
But I can still break into a million more pieces.
My heart is dust stored in a jar from the many times it's been hurt both platonically and romantically.

I'm quite and often get left out of conversations, I'm talked over but out of respect I stay quite. I'll indulge you on along phone calls but never say much back, but I prefer listening.

I am a paradox.
I am unsettling and disturbing to look at yet you can't look away.
I am mysterious yet known.
I am open yet closed.
I am close yet far away.
I am..

Me.