His True Babygirl // Derek Morgan //

That's Dumb

{Victoria's POV}

"I was trying to say I love you, Derek."

He stared at me blankly, before offering me a smile. "I think you should get some rest, baby. Maybe Lyla will wanna come in and talk to you." He removed his hand from my hair, standing up.

He didn't say it back. He doesn't love me. He got up, and just walked out the door. My heart hurt more than the bullet wound. And it was like a switch turned, all the pain was gone, I was empty.

That feeling... if you can even call it a feeling, when you can't feel anything. Nothing is painful, nothing is happy. You aren't living, you're existing. And those two words mean drastically different things.

Living; alive, the pursuit of a lifestyle of the specified type.

Existing; in existence or operation at the time under consideration.

People often say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's bullshit. What doesn't kill you reminds you that you're alive. Living is feeling, it's having a reason. Living is running full speed on a track that's never ending. Existing is emptiness. Existing is standing still and getting pushed and shoved by the people sprinting around. People who exist stand still, while people who are living bump into the them on their way by.

Sometimes people tell you that you are alive, and people who tell you that are living. I came out of surgery alive, and Derek walked out that door leaving me to exist. We all have a choice; to live or to exist. We're all on a track to the unknown, to whatever lies before us.

"Victoria?" Lyla's voice dragged me out of my thoughts. "He doesn't love me." My voice was monotonous, you can hear the lack of emotion in my voice. "What are you talking about?" She sat down in the chair, bringing it closer to my bedside. "I told him I loved him and he walked out on me. But what can you expect right? You pour your heart out and you get told to rest. Because Derek Morgan is living, he's alive. He has so much life in him, Lyla. And I'm existing. He's dragging me down the track."

"Not again with this bullshit. You talked about this when we were teenagers and we were both drunk on a roof. They were drunken conversations that meant nothing." She didn't like to admit when things were painfully true. She often avoided truths that hurt. "Drunken words are sober thoughts. You and I both know we were just existing back then. And sometimes you stop living and just exist for a while, Lyla." She shook her head, "No, existing and living are the same."

"You can lie to yourself all you want, I still won't believe you." Silence filled the room, she knew how right I was, how painfully true my words were. "He loves you, no one reacts the way he did over someone they don't love." Her words stung a bit, felt like lying on top of a pile of needles, getting poked here and there.

"He didn't say it back." She sighed, reaching for my hand and holding it gently. "He was a mess out there, how often has he ever admitted he loved something? Has he ever said he loved someone or constantly admits that he loves something?" I thought about her words, thinking back. I shook my head, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Maybe he's scared to fall in love."

{Derek's POV}

She loves me. I need help, who knows about love? Rossi, no wait he's been divorced multiple times. Emily? No I don't know anything about her love life. Hotch, he's been married, he loved Hailey.

"Hotch, can I talk to you?" He looked at me, following me outside. "What's wrong? Is Victoria alright?" I nodded. "Yeah, yeah she seems to be recovering well." I stared at the stars, they littered the sky, surrounding the small sliver of moon that was decorating the sky tonight.

"She said she loves me." I mumbled, not daring to look for his reaction. "You say that like it's a bad thing, is it?" I shrugged, looking towards the ground and kicking around a small rock. "I've never met a girl like her before. I've never had something last this long before, I've never had someone like her to lose. I don't want to lose this, and I'm scared that by me saying I love her, I'm just putting a giant target on her back." I heard him sigh, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"You're scared of losing her by admitting your feelings, correct?" I nodded. "You might lose her if you don't. She just admitted something, admitted how deep her feelings were. And from what I've seen, she doesn't seem like one to be throwing the word 'love' around like it's nothing. Derek, by leaving her in there without saying it, or even showing some sort of indication that you might love, she thinks you don't. Humans constantly need assurance, otherwise they automatically think the opposite."

"I do love her, I just don't want to put her in danger's way. I just feel like in this line of work, if someone were to get a hold of her to get to me, I would never forgive myself." "But Derek," Hotch sighed, "No one needs to here you say you love her to pick it up. It's so obvious, I can see it in your eyes when you look at her. People, the world, already knows that you care about her. She's been a 'target' since you started dating her. But you've protected her this far, what's stopping you from doing that in the future?"

She has to know I love her, if it's obvious to everyone else... then it's obvious to her, right? "She can't possibly think I don't love her." I mumbled, looking back at Hotch with wide eyes. He shrugged, leaving me to gather my thoughts. And before I could full grasp words and form them into a sentence, my feet were carrying me to her room.

I abruptly opened the door, seeing a monotone Victoria and a teary eyed Lyla. "I-I can come back." Lyla shook her head, "I was just leaving." She stormed past me, making look back at her.

"What's up with- wait no not important. I love you. That's important, I love you. And I'll say I love you till my last breath." Which might be soon considering I need to catch my breath. Why is admitting that giving me so much anxiety?

"You don't have to lie to make me feel better. You're alive, I'm just part of this existence. No need to humor my emptiness." She has no emotion in her voice, none at all. "I'm not lying. I was scared to admit it, scared that I was putting you in danger by saying it back. I-I didn't want to lose you, but that was dumb and I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry I didn't say it back right away. I just, I haven't loved someone like this before and that scared me. I love you so much, babygirl."

My heart raced, in hope that she would believe me. She shook her head, a tear slipping down her cheek. "You walked out.. I... I thought you didn't. I thought it was... was over." Her eyes glossed with a fresh set of tears, making my heart ache.

"I would be stupid not to fall in love with you."