I'm Not Gay, I Swear! | McPriceley

Chapter Nineteen

A/N: The song above is mentioned in the chapter, I suggest listening to it! (Some of the lyrics have been changed to better fit the story.)

Kevin had to admit that having Arnold and Naba there for him definitely made him feel better. He could talk to them about his worries, or if he wasn't in a good enough mood to talk, they would just sit there with him, sympathizing with him nonverbally.

    His mental health was improving-- very slowly, sure, but certainly improving.

    And today was the day where he would finally step into Connor's old room for the first time in weeks.

    It didn't seem like much of an achievement. It wasn't like any of Connor's things were still in there. But you have to remember, the last time Kevin had seen Connor had been in that room. Surely lots of memories that he didn't want would be in there.

    Arnold and Naba had offered to be with him on that day. But Kevin assured them that he could do this alone. That he had to do this alone.

    He took a deep breath before opening the door.

    The room looked pretty much the same as it had all those weeks ago. Except nothing of Connor's remained. It looked quite bare without Connor and his things. Very... empty.

    Well, except for the small case leaning against the wall.

    Kevin picked up the large, black case, carrying it back over to the bed to set it down on his lap. He flipped open the top and brushed a hand over the guitar inside. It was a plain acoustic guitar, with a few scratches here and there from the many years it had been played. It took him a second to remember why he had left it in here, but soon enough, the memory came back to him.

                        . . .

    Connor watched in awe as Kevin set the guitar's case in front of him, pulling out the stringed instrument. They had been talking about instruments they knew how to play, when Kevin mentioned a guitar he had in his bedroom. Naturally, Connor asked to see it, and that was how they ended up here.

    "Well, here it is," Kevin said, putting the guitar in his hands.

    "Cool!" Connor smiled widely. "Do you think you could play a song for me?"

    "Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah, I could do that," Kevin smiled softly, quickly tuning the instrument before strumming a chord and beginning to sing.

    "I start thinking 'bout my Connie, from the minute I wake up. And that feeling is the best I ever had. He is in my shaving mirror. He is in my coffee cup. I must be in love, or else I'm going mad," Kevin chuckled. Connor continued to smile at Kevin as he sang his song.

                        . . .

    Kevin strummed over the guitar's strings, remembering the song he had sang so long ago. Except this time, melancholy was weaved between lines, mirroring Kevin's painful reminder of the time he had spent with Connor in what seemed like centuries ago.

    "I would like to write to Connie, tell the boy the way I feel. But I'm better with a guitar than with a pen. Used to be I'm never happy, but now that just seems surreal. Now I don't care if I ever sing again."

    Kevin closed his eyes as he continued on, letting the words reflect on what he was truly feeling.

    "That boy's got something. Nothing scares him. Only piece of luck that's ever come my way. Can't wait to tell him how much I've missed him. Feeling sorry for Steve Blade, cause he's never kissed him."

                        . . .

    "I start dreaming 'bout my Connie, just as soon as I'm asleep. They're the kind of dreams that keep you in your bed," Kevin continued to sing, Connor now resting his head against Kevin's shoulder. "I am making love to Connie, and that sure beats counting sheep. Got a feeling there are good times up ahead."

    Kevin plucked a few more notes before letting the last chord fade away. Connor finally looked back up at him.

    "You've got such a beautiful voice," he told him, before leaning forward to give Kevin a kiss. Kevin smiled ever so faintly as he did.

                        . . .

    Kevin placed the guitar back down as he finished the song once more, feeling the kiss from so long ago still lingering on his lips. He longed to be able to relive that memory over again. To just even see Connor's smiling face once more. Instead, he let out a sigh, plopping his head down into his hands.

    He let the memory replay in his mind a few more times before finally looking back up. Gently running a hand over the guitar, Kevin went back over some of the lyrics from his song, reviewing back on what he had said.

    It was true that Kevin desperately wanted to tell Connor how much he missed him. How much he loved him. But the chances of ever talking to him again... they were just so low.

    But maybe... maybe if Kevin started going out again-- going back to the diner, seeing James and Chris again-- he could possibly run into Connor. Or maybe, Chris and James had been talking to him, and Kevin could finally clear his conscious of Connor being alright. Even more than he wanted to see Connor for himself, Kevin just wanted to make sure that he was okay, even without Kevin in his life anymore.

    Taking a deep breath, Kevin stood back up after having put the guitar back in its case.

Tomorrow, he would take another step forward.

    Tomorrow, he would return back to his beloved diner.