I'm Not Gay, I Swear! | McPriceley

Chapter Eighteen

"Must be weird having your own straight companion, seeing on how you used to be one."

Connor just nodded, only half listening to what his companion was saying. He was much more focused on the journal in front of him. It was a good way to get all of his feelings out, instead of them constantly being stacked inside him. Though it didn't always work. More and more scars were beginning to appear on his arms. Jackets were his only true friend at this point.

Don't worry, Con, it seemed to say to him. I'll be here to protect you.

Connor smiled softly at the sleeve of his hoodie, which was a tad bit big and covered his entire hand. "Thank you," he whispered to it.

"Are you talking to a jacket?" His companion said, staring at him in disbelief. Connor quickly set his arm back down and shoved his face back into his journal.

"Con, you seem to be losing your mind," he told him, after Connor had said nothing. "Why don't you go outside for once? Actually interact with real people."

"I am interacting with people. I'm talking to you right now," Connor said, though he avoided any eye contact. "Besides, Steve, you know that I can't risk going out there. What if..."

"Yes, yes, I know. Kevin could be out there. Or his best friend. Or you could wander in front of the old diner and get reminded of him. Or even find a price tag and start crying."

"Hmph. Y'know, since you're my 'companion,' don't you think you should, I don't know, try sympathizing with me, at least?"

"I'm not the gay one here," Steve said. "I don't know how to sympathize with you on that."

"I'm not..." Connor sighed. "I don't know what I am."

"Obviously," he scoffed. "Anyways, I'm going to head out for a little bit. Get some me time."

"You're not supposed to leave me. It's a rule," Connor told him, finally peering up at Steve.

"Does it look like I care about rules?" Steve asked, not waiting for an answer. "I'll be back in a few hours. Try not to talk to any more pieces of clothing while I'm gone, got it?"

Connor just nodded slightly as Steve walked out of his bedroom and back downstairs, leaving Connor alone. Of course, Connor had been alone in the first place. Sure, Steve was there, but there wasn't enough of a bond between them that made Connor feel relieved to have him there. It was more of the opposite, if he was being honest.

Steve was... an okay guy. He liked to joke a lot. But it was usually dark humor. And he liked having conversations with Connor. Though they mostly seemed to put Connor down. Oh, but he liked to discuss each others' interests! Except... Steve said that liking theatre was dumb.

Steve was a bit of a dick.

Connor could see why Kevin didn't like him so much.

He winced slightly at the thought of Kevin. He didn't hate Kevin in any way. It was quite the opposite, actually. But even the slight mention of him made Connor want to break down again. And he already did that enough on a daily basis.

God, why was he so stupid?

Maybe if he and Kevin hadn't spent that day alone together, none of this would've happened. They would've still been together, being a couple in secret, while still being surrounded by all of their wonderful friends. Eventually, he and Kevin would've been able to run away together, to get away from their horrible parents, who could never see past their horrid beliefs.

But no. He had to ruin it all. And worse... he broke it off with Kevin himself. Maybe they could've made it work, even with Connor being fired.

But they could never find out now.

Connor sighed and scribbled down one more sentence in his journal before finally closing it shut and placing it on top of his nightstand. He stared at the handle of the drawer for a few moments before shaking his head and looking away. He really should just get rid of his pocket knife. Maybe then he would be less tempted. But a part of him was attached to it, and he couldn't bear to even think about throwing it out.

Instead, Connor took out his earbuds, pulling up some music on his phone. As silly as it may seem, showtunes always made him feel safe. Like it pulled him out of reality, so that he could escape from the stress of life. Or even feel as if the music itself was sympathizing with him— much unlike Steve. Some songs felt as if they were written about him, and it made him feel understood.

Words Fail. Not My Father's Son. She Used to Be Mine. These were just a handful of the songs that Connor felt personally attached to. He would often listen to them on repeat. He unlocked new meanings behind the words, other than how they were first intentionally described. And when he did, he began to feel normal again. Even if it was just by a little bit. It was just an all around better way to relieve all the stress he felt. Much better than his other, harsher options.

And it was all going great.

Until, well, a new song appeared.

He had never thought much of the song Somewhere, from the musical West Side Story. But now, it seemed to have a bit of a new meaning to him. And, well, it just made him miss Kevin even more.

There's a place for us. Somewhere, a place for us. Peace and quiet and open air. Wait for us, somewhere.

There's a time for us. Someday, a time for us. Time together with time to spare. Time to learn. Time to care.

Someday. Somewhere. We'll find a new way of living. We'll find a way of forgiving.

Somewhere.

Silently, to himself, Connor made a promise. Or at least, a wish. That someday, he would be able to find Kevin again, to fix the problem that he had caused, and hopefully to mend their broken relationship.

And together, they would find their somewhere.