I'm Not Gay, I Swear! | McPriceley

Chapter Ten

Two days had passed since Connor and Kevin's falling out, and they seemed to be back at square one again. They'd only make small talk, but never go deeper than that. Connor would even let Kevin go out by himself, staying locked in his room for hours on end.

He knew Kevin never really meant for him to feel worse about himself, and make Connor deem himself a disappointment, just like he was to his parents all those years ago. When Kevin got frustrated, he really got frustrated. But Kevin hadn't even tried to apologize since then, and that was what made Connor truly angry.

Kevin, however, really did want to apologize for lashing out at Connor like that. He never meant to make him so sad. He painfully was reminded of the cold gaze Connor had given him that night often, and it hurt him. But he was just so terrible with words. What would he even say?

It made it all the worse that Kevin liked Connor so much. This wasn't so much of a crush as it was a true feeling of love. He wanted it not to be true. He wanted all his feelings towards Connor to just vanish. It made the situation he was in so much worse. Especially since he knew that the feelings would never be returned.

Kevin was returning home from hanging out with Arnold again, after having a long discussion about this whole argument with his best friend. Surprisingly, Arnold hadn't been that bad with advice, and told Kevin that he needed to talk to Connor. Things surely weren't just going to fix themself. He had to be the one to take charge.

With the house in front of him, Kevin took a deep breath before stepping inside, and immediately making his way to Connor's room, where the door was of course closed. He knocked softly on the door. "Con? Can I come in?"

There were a few heartbeats of silence before a small, "Sure," came from inside the room. Kevin opened the door, walking inside, only to see Connor sitting on his bed, his knees brought up to his chest as he stared into space. Kevin cautiously sat next to him, making sure not to sit too close and invade Connor's privacy.

"I'm sorry. For yelling at you the other day. I just... don't get why people think being gay is so bad. And it irritates me when people tell me it's wrong. I... I just want to be accepted."

Connor finally looked up at him. Had Kevin trusted him enough to tell him that he is in fact gay? "So... you are...?"

"Kind of, yeah. I-I'm technically bisexual," Kevin confessed. "But I know you don't care about that."

"N-no, I do. It's just..." Connor hesitated for a moment. "Y-you're actually okay with yourself being this way?"

Kevin definitely hadn't expected that to be the question Connor would ask. "Well, yeah. That's who I am. You can't change that fact."

"B-but my parents always told me that I had to change who I was. Other-otherwise Heavenly Father wouldn't accept me." At this point, Connor wasn't even fully aware of what he was telling Kevin.

"Wh-what do you mean, Con?"

Connor took a deep breath. There was no going back now. "When I was younger... I told my parents about this little boy that I liked in my grade. They told me that a boy could never love another boy, and that Heavenly Father would be very disappointed in me if I continued to think like that. So I tried and I tried to stop thinking that way. But I just couldn't change myself. Eventually, my parents gave up on me and sent me to a conversion camp. There, I tried to erase any and all gay thoughts that I had, knowing it would be the only way to make my parents proud. And it worked. They finally didn't think I was a disappointment. So then I took this job, to make sure they knew that I in fact was not gay." Connor felt his eyes sting as tears started to form in his eyes. "But doing this all meant that I'd never truly be happy as myself."

Kevin had a different look on Connor now. He knew exactly how he felt, yet not at all at the same time. He hesitantly rested a hand on Connor's arm. "I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that, Con. But you are not a disappointment. Your parent's views are only a tiny fraction of how the world sees you. And you should always choose your own happiness over proving yourself to others. There is nothing wrong with being gay. You are who you are, and you are a great person no matter what."

Connor smiled lightly at Kevin, tear stains trailing all over his face. "Thank you. That means a lot."

"Of course," Kevin smiled back at him. "C-can I give you a hug?" he asked, still wanting to be respectful of boundaries.

"Yeah," Connor said quietly.

Kevin wrapped his arms around Connor's torso, in which Connor rested his head against Kevin's chest, closing his eyes as he tried not to cry anymore. It definitely did feel good to let out all of his bottled up emotions, and Kevin was a big help. Maybe being gay truly wasn't as bad as his parents had always told him it was. Maybe he just needed to stop focusing on pleasing them, and instead think about his own pleasure.

"So, are you going to start coming to terms with yourself now, or do you still need some time to think about it?" Kevin asked, not moving from the embrace the two were in.

"I... I think I'm going to try and be more accepting of myself. Like you said, I should be focusing more on my own happiness."

"You should. And know that I will always be here to help you with anything."

"Now you sound like me," Connor laughed faintly. "But thank you."

"Anytime," Kevin smiled, gently kissing the top of Connor's head before realizing what he'd just done.

Connor lifted his head to look up at Kevin after the small gesture, his heart starting to race.

"I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that," Kevin said, his face turning red.

Connor just smiled softly before leaning forward to give Kevin a small kiss on the lips. "It's okay."

Kevin smiled widely as well. "Isn't this technically a violation?" he chuckled.

"Mm, possibly. But I think that there's a way for me to let this violation slide," Connor grinned.

"Oh? And what would that be?"

"I think that you should give me another kiss."

Kevin laughed slightly. "Oh I see."

"If you don't want to I can write up a-"

Kevin cut him off with another kiss, earning a small giggle from Connor. They stayed like that for a few moments, before Kevin finally pulled away.

"So... how're you going to be my 'Straight Companion' now?" he inquired.

"Well, I can still pretend. I'm sure we can somehow come through to your parents. If you can get me to finally accept it after years of internalized homophobia, then I'm sure your parents won't be a problem. Your mom already told me that she'd love you no matter what, if you were gay or not."

"Really? She said that?" Kevin asked. "Then why did they want to fix it in the first place?"

"She just wants to know why you've drifted so apart from them. So she wondered if that was the issue, but I don't think she truly has a problem with it. But I know that you're just scared to tell them that you don't exactly believe in this religion. But maybe you should at least try talking to them."

Kevin sighed. "Yeah. But what if they hate me for it? What if they throw me out because of it?"

"I'm sure everything will be okay," Connor reassured him. "But for now, until you're ready to tell them the truth, I will be willing to play along with your 'pretending to be straight' game."

"Thank you. But I will try to talk to them... eventually."

"And I will be here for you once you do."

Kevin smiled at him. "You're so kind to me."

"Only because you're so charming," Connor grinned.

Kevin hummed a laugh, and Connor went back to resting his head against Kevin's chest. The two sat there for a while, just taking in each others' embrace. And for the moment, that's all that seemed to really matter.