Spooky Action at a Distance | Frostiron

Feared What We Became

The plane ride was tense. Neither of them spoke to each other from their opposite sides of the tube. Loki wanted to say something. He wanted to apologise endlessly to the human, to beg for forgiveness, even. He wanted to talk about it, which surprised him. The silence was torture and he wasn't sure for how long he could cope with it. He wanted to make everything better, but how could he do that? Was there a way to do that? All Loki ever wanted was to be good enough. To be worthy. The older he got, the more he realised that he would never be either of those things. He wanted to be upset, he wanted to feel anger towards the fact, but all he could do was laugh bitterly. Of course he wouldn't be either of those things. He was Loki. What could he be other than a disappointment? A let down? A mistake? A monster? He'd only ever be his titles, and no matter what he did, nothing would ever change that.

Tony was slowly calming down. Slowly, but calming down nevertheless. Why couldn't everything be okay? Why couldn't it all just go to plan? The god said that they only had a limited time together, but then he went to spend that time high. Tony almost laughed at how fucked up the situation was. All he wanted was a peaceful weekend away, more so for Loki. That went well. Why did all of his pals backfire? He wanted to do something nice, but it blew up in his face. Why couldn't anything go to plan?

The car ride to the tower was the same as the one to the airport. Tony didn't look at the god, Loki stayed quiet. Tony noticed the god's hands shaking, despite how much the trickster tried to hide it. Tony did have to wonder, how different was a high to a god than a human? Withdrawal symptoms set in later, he realised. They made Loki more upbeat, not as much as it would a human. Maybe that was something to look into. That wasn't a priority, though. He had to finish the reactor, Tony thought.

As soon as they reached the tower, Tony went straight to the lab. He needed time to calm down. If he stayed with Loki, he knew he'd lash out. He didn't want to do that again. They could talk once the situation calmed. He didn't want to risk either of them hurting each other. They'd done enough of that.

Tony was glad to see the reactor already on the workbench. That was a good distraction, he thought. What better way to get drunk than to do it while working? After going through Bruce's notes with Jarvis, Tony got to work. The threat of Thanos was only ever growing. Sure, the titan was down two of his team, but what if he had an army? Could the world really handle fighting that? Especially if there were only, what, fifteen of them? He couldn't guarantee a number of people fighting alongside the team, which only frustrated the mechanic. He waned to be confident, to know that they could fight to protect Earth, hell, the universe, but could they? He wanted to save lives, but it was hard to guarantee that when they didn't know what they were going up against. Loki never said anything about an army. He never said anything about any of Thanos' allies. Tony was beginning to see just how little the god ever told him. He knew about the black order. He knew a bit about why they attacked earth. That's it. The only thing he knew about Thanos' motive was that he wanted to get rid of half the living beings in the universe.

He knew nothing about Loki, he realised. He only knew the bits about what caused his trauma. Then again, how much did Loki know about him? Whatever Clint had told him and the little Tony had told him. They knew nothing about each other. He took a sip of his drink at the realisation, just wanting it all to be over. Why couldn't he just have a normal relationship? Why did it have to be full of secrets and strangers? He wanted to have a loving relationship. Sure, him and Loki were loving towards one another, but they were essentially strangers. Two individuals so damaged that they couldn't even let their soulmates get to know them. The mechanic laughed bitterly at the realisation. They were beyond damaged individuals, but they still loved each other.

"Tony?" The mechanic heard from the door.

Tony didn't even notice anyone walk in. Out of everyone, Steve was the last person he wanted to see. It was nothing personal, but especially given the day, Steve was the last person he wanted around. He didn't want to be reminded of how much of a disappointment he was. His thoughts were giving him more than enough of that.