Between Two Hearts

𝚈𝚘𝚞:

There are days where I cannot decide if I am numb or completely drowned out with grief.

There are days where getting out of bed does not take two hours, but there are day that it takes three.

There are days where I think the thought of food is unappealing to the eye, and there are days where I remember the food you used to like causing me to crave them.

But as I lay here I cannot decide if I'm learning to let you go, or if I'm going to hold onto you for just a bit longer.

The droplets on the window make every thing so nostalgic. I remember every time it began to rain you'd look at me and say, "Listen to how peaceful the sound of the thunder is." You'd say it with a bright smile on your face.

Oh how you adored the rain.

I believe that every time it rains now, it is you trying to remind me that I am not alone, and you are right here with me.

Though I cannot see you, or hear you, and that's what tortures me.

It is when the children ask if you will return that my heart feels heavy again.

It is when Asia cries at the door, wondering if you'll ever open it again.

And it is when your mother sits in your old room, wondering if little 8-year-old you will appear once again, excited to show her what song you have written now.

That is what brings great pain.

That is what makes my heart ache just a bit longer.

I can never decide if I am angry with you, or at peace knowing that you are at peace.

I can never understand why you did what you did, but I must tell our children that you had gotten sick the night you died in hopes they understand that you did not leave because of them.

But my heart continues to ache each time I must explain to them why you are not here anymore.

And one thing still haunts me to this day.

The night you decided to say goodbye.

It was when I walked into the bedroom, excited to greet you from a busy day at work when I found you on the floor. A bottle of pills in hand, a note in the other.

Oh how that image haunts me still.

It is the continuous sobs and cries that escaped my lips as I sunk to the floor, hoping that god would let you live.

That still haunts me, and perhaps it forever will.

But I guess God too knew that this was in fact your time to say goodbye. 

I can no longer go on social media without seeing the immense pain your fans are in.

They are afraid to admit that you are gone, and I too am guilty of it.

If only you knew how much you meant to the world, maybe you would've stayed just a bit longer because now it is our children who question if life is worth living with you nowhere in sight.

Today I was asked by our daughter a very interesting question. She looked up at me and asked, "Mama, what is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?"

Of course my mind when to the most beautiful places I had seen, but not one managed to fulfill that question.

I thought of all the flowers you had ever brought me, but none of them managed to be the right answer.

I thought about all of the beautiful paintings I had ever seen, but yet again none of them were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I told our daughter I had no answer but that I would think about it, to which she replied "Okay."

Maybe it was good that she asked me such a random question because for once I forgot about what made me want to cry every minute of the day.

But as I sat outside, the ocean view caught my eye.

It reminded me of you.

As everything seems too nowadays.

How you used to take the children down to the bay and splash around in the freezing cold water, making me smile as I watched you play.

Oh what I'd give to see it one last time.

I couldn't get our daughters questions off of my mind, I felt determined to give her an answer but I felt that I didn't have enough time.

Perhaps you would've have an answer.

I lay in bed staring at the ceiling as your scent still remains in this dark and lonely room.

It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about how you used to lay next to me and plant soft kisses on my cheek.

Oh what I'd do to feel it again.

I become angry with myself when I think about how you could be right next to me to this day.

I think about how I could've done more to help you.

To save you from your biggest enemy.

But I couldn't.

It is what I'd give to see the gorgeous smile that lights up the room every time I see it.

It is the soft voice that is heard that brought me comfort in my darkest moments.

It is the soft hair that I ran my fingers through as you  spoiled my with kisses.

What I'd give to see you again seems unrealistic.

But it is not.

I may never know why you decided to leave this world, but I will never hold that against you.

I may never forgive myself for letting you slip through my fingers, but that is not your fault.

I may never stop grieving you, but that is not your fault.

Because while you have made the decision to leave this world, I have made the decision to never let your beautiful soul be forgotten.

And now as I sit here, I finally know the answer to our daughter question.

I finally know what is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

This is the answer that fits.

It is the answer that will forever fit this question.

It is you.

You, Stefani Germanotta, were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

And you forever will be.

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Sad one-shot type shit. 🥲