My Secret Mate

Chapter 15

* WARNING: this chapter will contain a heavy topic of self harm, if you are not comfortable reading it, then I'm sorry, but I feel this is an important topic and should be discussed."

VANESSAS POV

I lay awake in this cold bed. I'm sleeping in the guest room. I have bearly slept at all these past few weeks. I put on a front for my pack, because I'm supposed to be a leader for them. But truth be told, I'm miserable. I'm here with my mate, but I'm not HERE with him.

He hurt me in the worst way possible, he literally crushed my soul. Everyday I wake and feel like my body is but an empty vessel. Who am I? Why am I even here? Am I even worthy of living?

This is what my mind has come to. This is what I think about everyday. I can't take it. I need an escape. The only escape I can think of is calling my name from the bathroom. So I remove my blankets and let my feet touch the cold hard floor. I walk into the bathroom outside my bedroom door and lock it behind me. I search through the drawer till I find my release. A razor with a brand new sharp blade is in my hand. I use an end of a toothbrush to help prop the blade from the carrier.

I sit on the floor, leaning my back against the wall. I stare at the blade, and then my wrist. Have I really succumb to this? Tears fill my eyes and my vision blurs. I need some type of release and this, this pain will be so much different that what I've been feeling. It'll be good for me.

I take the blade and dig the tip into a part of my wrist, and with a quick motion, I slice. The pain is almost.... Comforting. Delicious. I smile through my tears. I'm going to be okay.

All of a sudden, the door bursts open. Jacob is frantic. "Vanessa," he cracks as he looks at the razor in my hand to my wrist. A whimper escaped my lips at the sight of his tortured face. He picks me up and turns on the shower, the water is warm. He carried me into the shower, he sits at the bottom of the tub, holding me close to his chest.

He takes a rag and wraps it around the cut on my wrist. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Jacob cried. He sobbed. He broke. And that hurt me more than anything. That hurt me more than seeing him with that girl.

"Please, Vanessa, talk. Say anything, let me know you're okay," his unsteady voice pleaded. I turned into him, straddling him. "I'm sorry," I whispered, "I thought you were asleep." He pulled me tight to him and said, "don't apologize. This is my fault. All my fault. Were gonna fix this, okay? I'll be here. We'll get you help, we'll fix this. I promise."

I let myself find sleep in his arms. I didn't realize how exhausted I was. But I felt relief. I couldn't tell if it was from the cut or from him.

~~

When I woke up, I was in Jacobs bed. I was in one of his t shirts and an IV was in my arm and my wrist wrapped right in gauze. For some reason, I felt an overwhelming need for Jacob wash over me. Tears sprang to my eyes and I felt extremely panicked. "Jacob," I screamed, my voice faltering. The tears cascaded down my cheeks. His bedroom door was open in a second and his eyes searched the room for distress before falling on me.

He crossed the room, quickly, and took my into his arms. He was careful of my IV. "Are you alright," he asked me, his hands on either side of my face, inspecting me. He looked exhausted, his eyes had black rings around them and his hair was long and messy. I nodded and said, "please don't leave me. I need you." A sob racked my body.

"I will never, never leave you, Vanessa. I'll always be here, right here, by your side," Jacob whispered. I pulled him to my lips, craving his kiss. He didn't hesitate to kiss me back.

I took the wire from my arm, slowly, then covered the little puncture with a bandaid that was on the bedside dresser. I turned back to Jacob, pulling his body flesh against mine. I felt an intense need for him. To show him who he belonged with, to show him no women could ever make him feel the things I did.

I took the shirt off my body, leaving my body completely bare. "V-Vanessa," his voice whispered, his breathing becoming uneven. I pulled his shirt off his body, unbuckling his pants. "We don't have to," Jacob told me. "I want to," I reassured him. He didn't protest.

Soon, his body was just as bare as mine. I let my lips roam back to his as we kissed with such an immense amount of need and passion. His hands gripped my butt and came down with a slap on my right cheek. I let out a little moan and he did it again, with the same reaction.

He switched our positions, and he was now on top. "I've missed you so much," he said, aggressively, as he stared at my naked body. That warmed my insides. He let his hands start at the bale of my neck as they slid slowly down my body, till he reached my throbbing core. He eased one finger inside of me. I let out a gasp of familiar but so foreign pleasure.

"Always so wet for me," he whispered, "so perfectly wet." He pumped his finger in and out, before adding another finger, attempting to get me ready for him. I let my head fall deep into the pillow as moans escaped my lips.

    He positioned himself at my entrance and my whole entire being was entranced by what was to come. Slowly, he made his way inside me. After all this time my body has not connected to him, it hurt. It was almost like being back to my first time. But I welcomed it, I welcomed him.

    "Oh god, I love you so much," Jacob whispered and something in his voice made my eyes lock with his. Tears filled his eyes and I gasped. "I love you, Jacob, more than you could ever understand," I moaned as tears spilled down my face.

    He kissed my tears away and increased his stroke. Soon, he was pounding deep into me, so deep it made my toes curl. "You're everything," he grunted, "everything I want. Everything I need. I will never love another soul." I screamed out for him, screamed out for everything he was and everything he will be.

     I needed him, he needed me. And this passionate love making only proves to me, that I can't be without him. We last a whole hour, it was so sensual, so unique, so passionate.

    We laid there after, tangled in each others arms. His hands rubbed tiny circles on my bare back as I lay on too of him, his face barrier in my neck. "I love you, Vanessa," Jacob mumbled against my skin. "Forever, Jacob," I mumbled back.

A/N- short chapter. But this was really aching at my heart today, and it turned to this chapter. Hope someone enjoyed this.