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Lebensmüde

Lebensmüde (noun. german)

This term was used to describe the dramatic and soul-crushing emotional agony of young Romantic poets, and is now used to describe someone attempting something especially stupid and possibly life threatening.

Tired of living

Now looking back, maybe the night under Frank's bed wasn't the start if everything that came to happen after.
Of course, if I hadn't been there that night, if I had decided to just leave it be and go look for somebody to replace Frank, things would have gone very differently.
But if I really think about it, everything leading up to everything only happened because of Mikey asking me to get him on the guest list of the SEASIDE for his birthday.
Because only after I had talked to Frank about it, he began to start acting differently.
At first I was pretty sure it was because he really didn't want to have me and Mikey at this club. I thought he was embarrassed, which made me mad because he just assumed we wouldn't know how to behave.

I was wrong.
But it's not the time to talk about it yet.

During the next week I noticed him being all gloomy and he paced around the rooms frequently while I tried to clean them. He made me nervous, because something about his behaviour made me think that something is not right. I wanted to know what was bothering him.
Not that I cared or anything, I just didn't want to have to be on edge the entire time just waiting for him to do something.

He also kept staring at me from a few feet away when he though I wasn't looking.
Sometimes he looked like he was about to stab me and sometimes I couldn't read his expression at all and it confused me to no end.

It scared me and thrilled me at the same time.
Technically I had all right to be scared. Because even though Frank had been very cooperative lately, I was still the only one who knew his secret and it would be easy for him to just... make me disappear.
Of course my family would get suspicious but Frank had enough resources to make them not question anything.
So even though I had his tax fraud to hold against him, I could only use my powers because he let me.

And again, it scared and thrilled me at the same time.

"Take a picture, it will last longer.", I said on Friday before the party. I had caught him giving me a death glare from the living room again, while I was whiping down the kitchen counters.

I looked up at him with a smile because I hoped it would show him that I was joking around and make him less... tense.

I saw that he was slightly shocked because he probably thought I hadn't realise that he had been staring.

"Seriously. You're a photographer. You should know that.", I sighed jokingly and looed down again, wiping the counters.

"I wouldn't want to waste my equipment for that.", he said and I could feel him relax a little. I looked back up and saw him walk into the kitchen. He sat down in front of me on a bar stool. Then he ran his hand through his hair and let out a heavy sigh.

"Look, I'll even pose for you.", I said.
I felt like if I tried really hard to be more like myself I could make him do that too.

I turned around and tried to give him the most dramatic pose I could think of.
I propped my head up on my opened hand and twisted my body in a way that almost hurt.
I'm pretty sure I had seen a girl on the cover of some magazine do it.
I changed up the poses every few seconds like in every video you see of a model getting their photos taken and only stopped when I heard Frank snort.

"You're the worst fucking model I've ever fucking seen, Way. There's not even an ounce of talent inside of you.", he said and shook his head.

Normally I would have been hurt by that statement. But it coming from Frank Iero made it less harmful.
He was just a bitter person in general.

"Well, that's exactly why I'm not a model. I only clean the houses of the people who capture their beauty.", I said to which he rolled his eyes.

"You talk awfully much for somebody who is supposed to work.", he finally said and got up to go to the fridge again. He took out a bottle of water and some juice.

"And you act awfully quiet for you usually being a bitch.", I shot back.
I followed him grabbing a glass with my eyes and leaned sideways on the counter top.

He just mumbled something that couldn't understand.

"Seriously what is up with you?", I asked.

"Nothing. Now shut the fuck up.", he huffed and poured himself a glass of juice before putting it back into the fridge.

"Now that's more of the Frank I know.", i said and smiled again.
I could almost feel him roll his eyes and I asked myself if it would ever start to hurt his eyes, now that he did that so much.

"I said shut up. And don't call me Frank. Also don't you have work to do?", he reminded me and gave me a look that said that he was getting annoyed.
But I'd rather have him be annoyed than angry.

"Well you were the one staring at me in the first place. I only offered a picture for you to jerk off to or something."
I giggled when he shook his head in disbelief.
"You're disgusting, Way. And way too confident for my liking. You better stop that."

He was right. Maybe I was a little too comfortable joking around like this right now. But it was way more fun that actually doing my work, which I really wasn't in the mood for today. 

"Or what? You'll have me assassinated?", I joked.
He took the glass of juice and brought it to his mouth while looking me up and down.

"You know, I really don't like the way you're talking to me right now. It seems like you have forgotten who the fuck you're talking to. So one last time: shut up.", he said and came a little closer while putting the glass down again. 

My smile had disappeared and suddenly I remembered how I was scared if this man only a few minutes ago.
Even though I was sure that he wouldn't harm me now, it worried me that he just ignored my joke about getting assassinated.
But he wouldn't do that, right?

"And you seem to forget who YOU are talking to, Iero.", I said and tried to mimick his tone, "Well, if you're so high and mighty, then why can't you make me shut up, huh? Come on, I'd love to see you try. Make me!"

For a few seconds everything went quiet and it took me some time to realise what I had just said.
Frank's eyes held a mixture of confusion and something else I couldn't make out.
I had completely forgotten that this simple phrase held a much different meaning nowadays.
While it was meant as a reminder of what I had against him, it must have come over as a sexual dare.
And Frank really didn't seem to like that

"Wait no I didn't mean-...", I started but shut up instantly when he took a few quick steps in my direction.
His hand shot forward and grabbed my fucking face.
His thumb on my left cheek, the other fingers on my right cheek.
He tightened his grip a little in a way that didn't hurt yet but made it impossible for me to just remove my face from his hand.
He must have felt the outline of my teeth underneath the skin.
Of course I could have just used my own hands to get him off me but I was so shocked by him actually touching me, that I felt like I couldn't move. 

I'm not going to lie, in that moment I was scared for my life and I cursed myself for overstepping boundaries again.

With me still leaning on the counter, this time more on my backside than anything, Frank could look down on me perfectly.
He forced my head to move from side to side.

"You know, maybe I will get you assassinated. Not much of a loss, if you ask me. Maybe your organs can make you worth something, at least on the black market.", he said in this terrifyingly calm voice.

I couldn't tell if he was joking or not.

He held my face like that a little longer before pulling away his hand and letting me go.
I grabbed my cheeks and moved my jaw a little to release the muscles around the area he had grabbed.

"Now get the fuck back to work.", he said.

And I did.