Soap

Bewusstsein II

Check Chapter 1 for more Information.

I could feel the blood pumping through my veins.
I could hear it flooding through my entire body.

After I got back from Ieros place I found out that Mikey had decided to leave again. He was going to stay with some friends for a while because they had rented a cabin by the big lake next town.
He didn't even say goodbye. 

So I was alone again.
My mother being busy at the office and nobody around to keep me company.

I laid down in bed hoping to get a couple hours of sleep that I had missed out on last night. Maybe I could just sleep until tomorrow morning. It had been way after noon when I left Ieros place after all.

But my damn body just wouldn't let me sleep.

At first it was my brain nagging me about this and that. And when I tried to ignore it and focus on something else, my body chimed in and made everything worse.
But even the feeling of my heartbeat couldnt distract me from the image of Frank Iero I had plastered in front of my inner eye.

Why was he so hard to forget?
Why did he have to be so nice, yet such an asshole at the same time?
And why was that fucking kiss playing on repeat in my mind?

My skin began to tingle and I tried focusing on every single goosebump on my arms. I tried to count them. I tried to feel them.
I even tried holding my breath for as long as possible again but nothing I did made me stop thinking about Frank.

I wish i could just talk to someone about this. If my mother had been at home I probably would have just admitted to everything I had done so far that got me into this.
And she would just listen and tell me that I was down bad.
She would help me accept what I was trying to suppress.

I had started to like Frank Iero more than I should.

And I would probably be a bitch about it and tell her how wrong she was just to admit it to myself a few hours later.
What the hell was I thinking?
I knew I wouldn't be able to just sleep with him and not feel anything afterwards.
That might have been possible in high school but I was getting older and definitely more emotional with every year on this God forsaken earth.

And not talking it out, not even remembering what really happened only made it worse.
It made me want to sleep with him again just to know what it had felt like.
Just to create a memory I could cling onto.

I shut my eyes and put as much pressure on my eyelids as possible. I did that until I could see sparks and orbs and fireworks in the dark.

I had to deal with it.
There was literally no way around that.
Frank obviously didn't want to talk about it and I couldn't force him to.
He will get over it soon. Hell... he probably already ordered the next LivelyLike escort!

We wanted to act like nothing every happened but the longer I laid in my bed all alone, the harder it hit me that I just couldn't do that.

Sure, only time will tell but I fucking know myself, alright?

I had about two more days until I had to get back to Frank's place.
And I don't know if I wanted to go back to him as soon as possible or if I never wanted to see him again.

-

The days passed quickly. I had taken those two days off so I could fully concentrate on not thinking about Frank.
Which didn't work, obviously.
And the longer I tried to ignore the longing feeling inside of me the worse it got.

I wanted to see him again.
I wanted to touch him again.
I wanted him to kiss me again.

And when the day arrived on which I would have to go back to Frank's place and do my job, I had decided to be an adult and talk to him.
I needed closure. I couldn't keep cleaning his apartment with that elephant in the room.