Just A Bit Closer (Book Two)

In Which Everything Is Said

{Cas's POV}

For one, glorious moment, I let myself relish in the kiss.

Then the memories came back to me. The memories I try to repress. The night that changed everything.

I could hear the radio kick to a different station. A song started to play and I almost laughed. This was the type of song that Dean usually grumbles about.

Wait

The memories started to come back. Whether I wanted them to or not.

Don't tell me

Anna and Gabe sitting on my bed, Anna explaining to me that I was an angel.

Heaven is a place on earth

The angels' faces when we told them we were going back home.

I wish I could rewind all the times that I didn't show you what you're really worth

I wished for so long that I could rewind back to that time. I still do.

The way

I leaned into Dean, trying to anchor myself to the present.

That you held me

I thought of the way Dean used to hold me. His fingers in my hair. His hands roaming my body. I felt him back then, as well as right now. He seemed so scared of what was happening in that moment. His hands were gentle, as if he was afraid he would break me.

I wish that I had put you first

If I could go back, would I put Dean first? Would I stay with him, as a human, for the rest of my life?

I was wrong I admit

Yes. I was wrong. I would stay.

Numb from your kiss

The kiss was starting to numb the pain. This is what I needed all along.

While you were slipping through my fingertips

I felt it back then. That terrible feeling of loss and sadness. And I have felt it in each moment since then. That slipping away.

Taking every breath away

I was starting to get breathless.

With all of the mistakes I made

And my father knows I've made a lot.

From all the letters that I saved

I suddenly felt sad and a bit empty at the fact that I didn't have anything from my past life. Just these memories.

This is everything I didn't say

I was trying my best to explain everything with this gesture. I hoped he understood.

I wish I could've made you stay

But I pushed you away.

And I'm the only one to blame

Yes. I blame myself, as I should. It's my fault.

I know that it's a little too late

But I'm trying though. I hope it's not too late. I truely do.

And this is everything I didn't say

I put all those missing words into that kiss.

This is everything I didn't say

I'm sorry that I didn't say it earlier.

Wake

No.

Me up now

Please don't.

And tell me this was all a bad dream

I don't want this part to be a dream.

All the songs that I wrote, all the wrongs that I hoped would erase from your memory

And they did. All my wrongs, and my rights, were erased. By me.

Holding on to

Dean.

A broken and empty heart

That's all I had.

Flowers I should've bought, all the hours I lost

I remembered the hyacinths he bought me, right before everything came crashing down. And I lost a lot of hours. Hours I could've had with Dean.

Wish I could bring it back to the start

Man, do I wish I could start over. Do it right this time.

Taking every breath away

I pulled back, just enough to breathe.

With all of the mistakes I made

I was certain in that moment, that I'd done everything wrong.

From all the letters that I saved

I met Dean's gaze.

This is everything I didn't say

His green eyes said everything.

I wish I could've made you stay

I hope I never lose you again.

And I'm the only one to blame

I was stupid.

I know that it's a little too late

I know that the old Dean would forgive me.

And this is everything I didn't say

But will he now?

I hope you know

I want you to know.

For you I'd sacrifice

I'd do anything.

To make this right

I hope I am doing this correctly.

Someday I'm sure

I wish I could be sure about anything.

We'll pass each other by

I almost laugh at that. I don't think I could get rid of Dean if I tried.

Until that time

Is this that time?

Taking every breath away

Dean hasn't said anything.

With all of the mistakes I made

Did I just make another one?

From all the letters that I saved

My mind spun back to that night again.

This is everything I didn't say

I didn't say a lot back then. I just demanded my grace and ruined your life.

I wish I could've made you stay

I wish I could've made me stay.

And I'm the only one to blame

I could never blame you.

I know that it's a little too late

Tears started to well up in my eyes. Please. Please don't let it be too late.

And this is everything I didn't say

I swallowed as I felt the first tears drip onto my cheeks.

This is everything I didn't say

But I'm saying it now....