Suddenly

Suddenly Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

My Angel

I'd play music as I prayed, usually it would be an album from Hillsong, For this cause was the song that grew on me as I prayed. The lyrics of the song sank deep within me, tears flowed down my cheeks as my broken heart asked God for BE. I was lost and I felt abandoned and alone, I couldn't live without her. There was nothing that I wanted more than her.

God gave me much success as a boy and teenager, I was known for being the fastest 100 meter sprinter and one of the best footballers in my town. I had grown up wanting to be like my football heroes and God had given me that. When times were good and I was happy and I never forgot my love for God, now that sadness came to visit, I would still choose to love God. He was my all in all, no matter what happened to me, I had made up my mind to never stop loving Him. My life after BE would not move my faith and hope in God.

The loss of our car and a missed opportunity for promotion at work had got the best of dad. He was in a bad place; his drinking exceeded the daily limit by a bottle. His drunkenness affected me and us as a family. I'd spend much time alone and unhappy, dad would fight with me and kick me out. Those nights that I'd be kicked out I'd walk over to BE's home, I'd sit outside her home against their wall. I'd pretend to talk to her and tell her about my day and how dad was fighting with me. I somehow hoped that she'd feel me, that she'd hear my heart speak to hers.

I squatted and lent against the wall outside her home, the irregular rough texture of that wall ebbed into the skin on my back. The cold breeze on those nights brought back thoughts about the stories mum had told me about Joseph from The Bible. I'd think about how his brothers betrayed him and threw him away, I started to feel a lot like him. The people closest to me rejected me. Why did BE throw me away? Had I done something wrong? Why wasn't I good enough?

I was like a cup, slowly being filled with brokenness, reaching my tipping point and close to my limitations. Some days I couldn't handle the pain of her rejection, I longed for death. I hoped that that was the day death would take me away. I had no more tears to cry, I was numb. I had made up my mind; I refused to go another day without her.

As a younger boy I took pride in sculpturing myself as the complete man, I wanted to have a perfect balance of everything. A bit of Will Smith, Tim Allen, Donovan Bailey, Robbie Fowler and even Bishop T.D. Jakes were all inside my personality. They each had a stage at a certain point, they surfaced as my circumstances and situations arose. I was a maverick who was outspoken and extremely hilarious even if the laugh was at my cost. I was an athlete and also a God fearing boy with unmovable moral standings. I wanted to be the best of the best, the perfect man. The closer to perfection that I got, seemed to still leave me ending up alone and rejected. I was trash and I felt like I was worthless.

I had come to the realization that no matter what a guy does or tries, most girls still choose the other guy; it's the law of love perhaps. Guys like me, were doomed to understand the meaning of being lonely.

I was done with this feeling, it was a feeling that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and the pain of that break was unbearable. The Anterior Cingulate Cortex is the part of the brain that is responsible for physical pain but it's also the part of the brain that is responsible for emotional pain as well.

The human brain translates emotional pain the same way it does physical pain. At the age of six I had broken my clavicle retrieving my football down a slope in my back yard. I crawled up that slope and got to my mum. It was the worst pain I had experienced in my six year life time. Mum immediately called dad and he was home in a few minutes. The doctor had my shoulder in a sling for a few weeks but the memory of that painful fall was never forgotten. My broken heart wasn't going to be fixed as easily as my clavicle was. Unfortunately there was no sling that could heal my broken heart.

I saved up some money to do the unthinkable. As a Christian, suicide was a sin that would send me straight to Hell, where I would burn for eternity. My chest cavity felt just as broken as my clavicle was and death seemed like a welcomed option. I left home for a walk like I've done many times before, halfway through my walk I bought a box of rat poison from the supermarket and started to snack on each grain shaped pellet. The weather changed as if the scene and mood of the day had changed to suit my situation and actions. The wind gave rise to the dusty streets and the dust settled on my cheeks and froze the tear lines on my face. The tears streamed with every pallet of poison I put into my mouth.

Suddenly from my blind side, the box of rat poison was yanked from my hands. It was Reece; somehow he had followed me on my walk because he felt that something wasn't right with me. I've always said that God is a funny guy who will take you to the point of extinction but He will never allow you to get extinct. That day He had sent an angel to watch over me, Reece was my angel.

Reece was two years younger than I was but that afternoon he was my bigger brother, the shoulder I needed so bad, he talked me down and made me feel better about myself and about how much I had to offer. He told me that sometimes in life it's not about how much you're able to get but how much you're able to give to another.

Up until those few minutes with Reece I had felt worthless and insignificant. He gave me reason to face the next day because my purpose in this world hadn't been fulfilled yet. As long as I had breath in me, I was going to continue to do my little part in this big world.

Maybe if I did enough for others, if I rose high enough or shone bright enough BE would take notice and realize the type of man I was.

The rat poison had taken a toll on me. I was sick in bed the next few days. Once I got myself to normality I immediately started to get involved in feeding programs with the local Church. I began to feel good about myself. Doing good and helping the less fortunate was going to have to substitute my want for BE. Somehow I loved her through my good deeds.