Suddenly

Suddenly Chapter 34

Chapter Thirty Four

Her blood

Everybody had their advice to give to me, I listened politely and thanked everyone for all their kind words, but the truth was that I felt alone and no amount of words were going to make it right. I had no answers and solutions to the way I was feeling. I took every day one step at a time. I struggled to fall asleep at night and when I did fall asleep I would dream of her. In my dreams she was alive and we were happy together. On other nights I would have nightmares of that night where I lost her and I would wake up screaming her name.

I had decided to name our baby Evana, I remember her telling me about a girl she once knew named Evana and how much she adored that name. I had to gather my inner strength and be a father to my daughter, I had to hide away my tears and put on a smile for my baby. I went to the hospital on a daily basis and spoke to the doctors and nurses about Evana's progress. She was doing well and picking up weight significantly. There were always flowers and infants clothing at the maternity ward. On one cold afternoon the nurse on duty told me that I should tell my wife not to bring anymore clothes for our baby.

I was surprised and told the nurse that I wasn't amused by her insensitive joke. The nurse looked confused and said, "Sir, your wife comes here every morning and leaves a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a new set of infant clothing for your daughter". I was now even more upset and also confused. I told the nurse that my wife had died giving birth to our daughter.

"I'm sorry to hear that sir, I'm new in the ward and I didn't know, but a woman comes here every morning at 7am and she leaves a set of new clothes and flowers for your daughter", said the nurse. I went pale in color, I had heard of spirits coming to visit the living after death. Could it be that Havana had somehow returned to watch over Evana?

I didn't know what to think or feel after hearing what the nurse had to say. I hadn't stopped talking to Havana, I know it wasn't normal for me to talk to the dead but I wasn't ready to let go just yet. Was Havana responding to my conversations with her, was it really her showing up at the hospital to watch over our daughter?

I tossed a lot in bed that night, thinking about everything that had happened. My nightmares were getting worse as well. Perhaps I needed professional help, grief counseling at the least. Does everyone who's lost someone go through what I'm going through?

Whatever I was had to take the backseat for a bit, I needed to see firsthand who was bringing gifts for my daughter. Was it from Havana, from the other side? I hadn't slept much that night, between the nightmares and my restless mind I had squeezed in three hours of sleep.

That next morning I hurried off to the hospital early, hoping to be there before 7am to witness what the nurse had seen these past few days. I was at the car park thirty minutes before time. Just as I was about to step out, I watched as a grey SUV pulled up two parking spots from me. A woman got out with a bouquet of flowers and some baby clothes in her hands.

I was startled, it wasn't Havana, was I crazy to even think that it could have been her? The woman was taller and she had dark long hair which flowed over her shoulders. Her face was hidden behind the lilies she carried. I got out of my car after a few minutes; I allowed her to go in, I then followed shortly after.

I stood adjacent to her, watching her as she stood at the glass window and looked at my daughter, she had tears streaming down her face, but who was she and why was she crying?

"Hello," I said as I got closer to her. She stepped back a bit and wiped her tears and said, hello back to me. "Why are you crying?" I asked. She barely looked at me; her teary eyes were fixated on Evana.

"See that baby in the incubator there? She's the baby of the man I love", she whispered. My first thoughts after hearing those words were that this woman is crazy and she has somehow escaped from a psychiatric facility nearby. I stood there without saying a word; I listened on as she spoke. She went on to tell me why she was there at that spot, staring at my baby.

She began to explain that a month ago she got a call at 3am, it was the staff of the hospital across the highway, the hospital staff had called her to request her to come to the hospital and donate blood to a patient that had just been brought in. She told me that there had been a robbery at a restaurant not too far away and the man and his wife were shot and the man needed AB positive blood. At 3am she got out of bed and drove to the hospital to donate her blood to the ailing man. I began to put her story into context and realized that it was her that gave me her blood; it was her blood that gave me life.

"The man I gave my blood to was my first love, he was the guy I fell in love with in high school and this is his baby in there", she explained. At that moment she turned to me and her eyes met mine.

"BE, is that you?"

"Yes, it is. It's....it's you! She gasped, "I thought you were in the hospital".

"I was, but thanks to you, I made a speedy recovery"

Her brown eyes glistened; tears filled her eyelids and gushed down her cheeks as she hurried away. I stood resolute and immovable; I was shocked to have seen her again. The circumstances were staggering. I had the overwhelming feeling of shock engulf me, it was a familiar feeling that I had forgotten about.

I tried to run after her but she drove off before I could collect my thoughts and chase her down. My head was spinning, I had just lost the woman I love and I was a few meters away from my baby girl and now BE had returned in the most unforeseen manner.

Why did she say that I was her first love? Why was she saying things that were not true? I didn't need this kind of confusion right now, my emotions were up turned inside out, and I was reeling after the sudden loss of Havana. I had no time for dramatic games.

Those days were the longest; I spent them with my dad and mum, and then came back to the hospital to check up of Evana. My baby girl was getting stronger every day, little did she know about the turmoil that swarmed outside that incubation room. The world for me had been crashing down and the world for her was just starting. I prayed to God for the strength to continue and to become the father that Evana needed. I wanted to give her the love that she deserved, the love that her mum would have given her.

I had to put a few things straight, in my thoughts I had to categorize what was important and what I needed to discard. Seeing BE again was one of the things that I had to leave aside and not think of, there were much more important things happening.

My mental state was a priority; I had to surround myself with people and things that were positive, influences that were going to build me up. I was broken and needed to be put back together. I turned to God, like I always do, He had always been there for me and I needed Him now more than ever. Many other people would distance themselves from Him, maybe even blame Him for their losses but I knew different, I knew who He was and I knew everything happened for a reason and that reason was to bring Him glory.

My walk with God became closer and we spoke like old friends would. I'd speak to Him whilst driving, cooking or even when I showered, it sometimes felt one sided but I knew He heard every word. He was doing something beyond my comprehension. When God works, it's usually beyond our thinking so I always tried not to figure out what He was doing exactly. I did my best and left the rest to God.

Leaving things to God sort of lifted a huge responsibility off my shoulders; a burden that I once was carrying was now His burden to take care of. I had no certainty, no method of making things right, I was powerless and without strength, so it made complete sense to cast over all my burdens to Him.