I was so happy to be granting my sister with this baby but the more that the pregnancy went on the more freaked out I was becoming with this whole situation. I was having intense morning sickness, and I was too scared to tell holland. I don't want her getting attached or too involved, and I think that I'm afraid of the same thing happening to me. If both holland and I are both acting like everything is the same, maybe all of this will be easier.
I was coming up to about halfway through my third month when I stepped out of the shower turned to the side and realised that I was beginning to show.
Deep down I knew this was it, no turning back now, I was having this baby. But my mind thought nothing of it, this is not my baby, this isn't anything to get excited about.
I quickly dried and got changed walking into the living room and crawling under the blanket with holland. She quickly took me in her arms removing the hair from my face and kissing my forehead.
I looked up at her, pulling her in for a kiss. Holland pulled me closer, and I slightly straddled her deepening the kiss.
Hollands's hands started to roam under my jumper and run up and down my back. We quickly shifted so that I was now under holland and I pulled her in by her neck not letting her even have a second for air.
Holland started to slowly lift up my sweatshirt, revealing my stomach, that's when I quickly pulled my shirt down.
'what's wrong darling', holland said trying to place her hand on my stomach again
'I want to stop', I said quietly, and holland did just that. She sat up watching me carefully as I sat up beside her. 'I'm sorry'
'you have nothing to be sorry about', holland replied placing her hand on the back of my neck pulling me in for another kiss, to which I just stood up and left.
----
The two moths have been awful. Holland has been in New York filming, and we barely spoke before she left. Liz and I have been to numerous lunches and doctors' appointments. I felt suffocated, and completely alone. My bumps had grown to a decent size, and quite quickly, most of my clothes didn't fit me anymore.
--
I was sitting on the couch in my matching pink oversized sweatpants and shirt when I suddenly heard the door open.
Holland was coming back today. Holland and I had barely talked while she's been in New York and I know that's all my fault.
'Darling, are you home?', I heard being screamed from the front door
I quickly pulled the blanket over me 'I'm in the living room', I called back
holland quickly made her way over to me quickly taking me into arms. I hugged her back tightly, as if we hadn't seen each other in years
'I missed you', I said pulling her in closer, if that was even possible
'oh how I missed you my angel'
holland lifted my chin and kissed me deeply to which I gladly accepted
'I'm going to go have a quick shower and then ill join you'
'okay', I said smiling
--
about 20 minutes holland walked back in and over to the couch, I couldn't help but smile at her, not realising until now how much I missed her. holland sat down next to and opened her arms for me to rest in. I did just that, positioning myself in a way that wouldn't make my bump at all obvious.
holland and I ordered dinner and talked all about her filming and trip. I could tell holland sort of saw my bump, but she didn't say anything. we stayed up watching a movie, but holland was really tired from the flight and it was late so I made her go off to bed, while I stayed up a little util she had fallen asleep.
I walked into the bedroom checking that she was asleep before undressing and crawling into bed beside her, and for the first in forever I faced the other way. it was about 5 minutes into my sleep, when I felt holland move closer behind me.
'I missed this', she hummed as she placed her hand on my hip
holland moved closer, moving her hand from my hips onto my stomach. my bump.
I quickly took hollands hand off my bump and pulled the blanket up more. holland placed her hand on my bump again, I removed her hand, again. hollands hand was once again placed on my bump.
'holland please stop', I said starting to get emotional
'Sarah please', she said taking my hand in hers and then resting them on my bump
'holland no', I said now crying, all of this getting to much for my pregnant brain to handle
'Sarah let me hold you'
'holland stop', I pleaded as holland now forcefully turned me over so that I was facing her
'Sarah this is ridiculous, I am your partner, I need to touch you, I feel like I haven't touched you in forever'
I kept pushing her away and telling her to stop, but all she did was wrap her arms around me, so that my head was against her chest and I couldn't move.
'shhhh, darling, its okay'
I just kept crying. eventually I gave up and gripped onto holland shoulder
'I love you angel', holland said calmly, training her hands up and down my back
'I love you..., I need you'
----
I woke up with holland hugging me from behind as I remembered last night.
I stood up and walked over to the mirror and stared. I examined myself from head to toe, my bump. I turned to the side seeing myself like this was still daunting and oh so very new.
'you're so beautiful', I heard from across the room
my body quickly turned to make eye contact with my person. I looked down and jus stood still.
holland walked over to me and smiled.
'my I?', I nodded.
holland placed her hands on my bump and smiled
'is it weird?', she giggled
'extremely', I laughed back
'good weird though?'
'I don't know'
'Sarah you need to learn to trust me with this. I know you're scared about me and the baby, and I know you're scared about you and the baby. Darling i'm here for you, leave the baby part to liz. but I can't not touch you, and I can't not love you with all of me. it's impossible. I love you, every part of you, not matter what you're body is going through. please work with me here'
I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her neck, nuzzling in as far as I could
Part 3 will be the birth
any suggestions let me know
