I'm not sure what this is. sorry. its shit.
"Holland Taylor", spoke the doctor peeking out of her door
I squeezed hollands hand and we both stood up, taking a seat in the room that we were both terrified of entering
holland had been forgetting things recently. both of us agreed, for a while, that I could just be her age, but her confusion of the spaces around her were quickly escalating concerning both of us.
"holland the tests results came back", she said looking down upon a piece of paper "Ms. Taylor, maybe we should talk in private"
"no Sarah can stay", holland said shakily taking my hand
"Ms. Taylor"
"holland..please"
the doctor smiled
"holland the neurological tests have confirmed that you have dementia. I'm so sorry"
holland just looked down. completely numb.
"the tests revealed that you have the gene, did you know of this?", the doctor asked calmly
"her mother died of dementia", I spoke
I took internal deep breaths.
"holland there are exercises that you can do to help. we can't know how quickly it will progress, age might affect you more before the dementia does. you should try to stay social, read, we can give you a list of memory exercises....Holland are you okay?", she asked
she didn't move
"darling", I placed my hand on her cheek, making her look at me
"I'm okay. I probably won't remember this conversation soon anyway", holland smiled
holland once again making a joke to keep her mind off reality
-2 weeks later-
"honey I'm home", I called walking through the door, only to be met with silence
I walked into the bedroom where holland lay reading a book, dressed in her sweater and pyjama pants
"holland you really should have come darling it was so much fun, everyone was asking where you were darling", I smiled taking off my dress, standing there in my bra and panties "are you tired?"
she nodded
"okay well I'm going to get ready', I smiled going to brush my teeth and take off my makeup before climbing into bed
"oh I missed you", I breathed moving over to rest my head on hollands chest, but she just lay there
"holland are okay?", I said sitting up on my arm looking down at her, but I got no answer
"holland please talk to me", I brushed my fingers on her face, but she just turned her head the other way
"why don't you let me hold you?", I opened my arms. she didn't move.
I stood up throwing on a jumper, suddenly feeling uncomfortable with being naked next to her
I got back into bed laying the other way.
I felt my body shudder with sorrow and I couldn't help the tears that began to form
I started crying, first softly, then harder
"Sarah don't cry", she said, but her tone sounded more annoyed than loving
I quickly sat up becoming angry
"I wish I wasn't crying, but you have made me. you won't talk to me, you won't touch me, you won't let me touch you. you dismiss me in every way possible. what is happening. I know that what the doctor told you has been hard. its been hard on me too. I know that I can never fully understand what you're going through, but that gives you no right to take it out on me. me! I'm here, I love you, I need you, and you have to face the fact that you're going to be needing me a lot more soon. I want to help you. but I need you to talk to me. you cant even look at me. I love you", I pushed all those words out through tears, my breathing increasing.
"I don't want you to"
"you don't want me to what?",
"I don't want you to love me. I don't want you to have to watch me forget everything, or even worse forget you. I don't want to delay your life because you have to take care of me. I don't want you to love me", hollands tears were beginning to accumulate as well
"I can't help but love you", I whispered placing my hand on her cheek
holland struggled to look at me, but she did her best. both of us feeling unbearably vulnerable
"Sarah I'm so sorry. I just don't want to hurt you"
"you're hurting me more by pushing me away"
-6 moths later-
I felt wrestling in my arms, waking me immediately
"holland is everything okay?", I looked down at her. dried tears already on my face from before
"where am I?"
"you're home darling", I tried but I couldn't help but let the tears fall once again
"who are you?"
"my name is Sarah, I'm you're girlfriend"
"girlfriend?"
"yes my love", I whispered attempting not to break
"do I love you?", she whimpered
"yes. you love me"
"do you love me?", she looked so small and lost
"I do, so much. more than anything", I smiled through cloudy eyes
"I don't remember you. maybe I'm just tired"
"maybe", I placed a kiss on her forehead pulling her closer
"we kiss?"
"all the time"
"what does it feel like?"
I pulled her in for a long gentle kiss
"it feels like heaven", I shakily whispered as she fell back asleep
-8 months later-
"hi holland. my name is Sarah, I am your girlfriend. we have been together for eight years. I know you don't remember me, but know that I love you. I love you so much my darling. I know you're trying, but its okay, you can let go. I not going anywhere"
I watched as a tear fell from my cheek onto her hand that I was holding, as I watched the love of my life starting to forget how to breathe. I felt her squeeze my hand three time before closing her eyes, drifting off
about two years ago holland and I made a ritual that if we wanted to say I love you but we couldn't, that we would squeeze each others hand three times.
"oh my darling. I know that deep down you will always remember me. and I will never forget you. never. I love you so much, in every lifetime"
Might delete later
