I Am My Own Cousin.

Chapter 26: The Day The Cheese Slid Off My Cracker

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind."1 Peter 5:6-8

I saw my reflection in my bedroom mirror. I was wearing pajamas, the buttons not paired up evenly with the corresponding hole made the top askew. My face looked like I had suffered a third degree sunburn. I poked my cheek; funny it didn't feel like a sunburn. Instead of turning white for a moment then going back to red like every good sunburn should, a pink powder rubbed off onto my finger. What was on my face? I had woken up and had the nagging feeling that something terrible had happened; but I couldn't pin point what it was. I tried to get my bearings, I was my room and the alarm clock was flashing it was after noon. Why wasn't I at school? I concentrated, thinking really hard about what could be wrong. I gasped with horror when I realized that I had lost my mind. I had gone crazy.

I tried to mentally retrace my footsteps but could only recall tiny little flashbacks. What day was this? I remembered going to a hospital. Oh my God....I had been taken to a hospital because I was crazy. I felt panic welling up inside of me. How was I ever going to show my face in public again? I couldn't ever go back to school, church, or work if people knew I was nuts. I sank to my knees and considered my options. I could never leave my room. I could kill myself; but that would be a sin. I concluded that I would have to suck it up and let the chips fall where they may. I was mortified to face what was beyond my door, but I really had to go to the bathroom.

I softly turned the knob, pushed the door open, and inched my way into the kitchen; hoping Mom and Carroll would be asleep. No such luck, they were wide away, installing new linoleum down in the bathroom. When I emerged from my room they both gave each other a look. "Um hey. Did something weird happen yesterday?" I asked tentatively. I was praying I just had a lucid nightmare. "Yeah, you could say it was weird. So are you feeling better now? "Yeah I guess. What happened? "You were acting strange at school, didn't know who you were, and had to go to the ER. The doctor said to keep you relaxed so I brought you home. ""What was wrong with me?" "It was nothing serious." "What was it?" "They said you were stressed and needed to rest." She wasn't going to give me a clear answer.

"Why do I have red stuff on my face?" Mom and Carroll started laughing, "You came in the bathroom and didn't leave it for forty five minutes. When I came to tell you Carroll needed in, your shirt was off and you were covered in my rouge." As she told me this I got a flashback of being in the bathroom and getting really hot. I took my shirt off to cool down. But then I couldn't remember how to put my shirt back on. I didn't want to leave the bathroom topless so I tried to entertain myself. I took a packet of rouge, red powered to accentuate cheekbones, and grabbed the closest makeup brush I could find. It was a huge brush used to apply face powder. I applied layer after layer of rouge all over my face. I knew I needed to leave the bathroom soon; but simply couldn't figure out how to get dressed. I remember Mom eventually coming into the bathroom and helping me put on my pajamas.

"Dog-gone-it Mom, Why didn't you wash this junk off my face?" "I thought you really wanted to wear it." She was laughing at me and it ticked me off to be the butt of their joke. "When have I ever wanted to wear makeup?" "Do you remember stripping at the gas station?" "WHAT?!! NO!" The thought of getting naked in public sent me into a hysterical panic. "Yeah I went in to pump gas and when I came out you had taken off your clothes and thrown them out of the window. You refused to put them back on." They both were laughing at the look of horror on my face. They left their construction project to let me use the restroom. I washed the red powder off my face then shut myself back in my room, I had heard enough.

I turned my radio on a really low volume, to 88.3 the Christian Station, "Hold Me Now" by Jennifer Knapp was playing. I lay down beside the radio and prayed for God to help me. "Please God Please I beg of you. Don't let me be crazy. I will do anything you want. I will join the ministry if that's what you want. But please anything but a crazy person. I don't want to be like Dad. I know this is somehow your plan to make me a stronger person. But I can't take it, please have mercy on me." I felt drained; I closed my eyes and dozed off to sleep.