I Am My Own Cousin.

Chapter 29: Fear and Self Loathing in Saint Vegas

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2

I sealed up my metaphorical closet with bricks and mortar; after Jessica outed me to the school. Rumors about me spread faster than an outbreak of syphilis; quickly making it back to my youth pastor. Dwight called me into his office at the church, "Jacqui some members of the youth group came to me with concerns that you are homosexual. I wanted to get your take on it. Is everything ok?" I told him what was going on at school and how everyone was treating me differently. Not admitting to him what I wouldn't even admit to myself.

When I was finished and visibly upset Dwight gently said, "This doesn't surprise me. I suspected something like this was going to happen to you." "Really?!" "God has been using you to bring many teenagers into the church. The youth group has faster growth than any other part of the church has ever seen. Satan isn't happy about that and will do anything he can to bring you down." I was so relieved that he hadn't asked me somehow prove I was completely straight, or leave the church.

"A similar Satanic attack has happened to Ashley recently." Dwight's wife and co youth pastor, had recently and seemingly out of the blue taken at job in Bristol at a Sprint call center. With her new schedule and long commute she rarely attended youth group any more. When she was actually at church she seemed sad and reserved.

"You have to promise that what I am about to tell you doesn't leave this room." "Okay, no problem." Some of the elder's in the church were not very happy about having a woman as a youth pastor. They said that it appeared as though she wasn't under my authority and it was improper. They even had issue with her wearing pant suits to services." A woman wearing pants in a southern church was more threatening than a flaming gay African American atheist sporting a tutu.

"The board voted to retain only one youth pastor. They asked me to fill that role. I know that Ashley is more gifted as a youth pastor than I am. But we can't leave the youth group and can't afford to both find new jobs. So Ashley got a job at Sprint. Actually she really likes it there. She has already been promoted and it has helped us out immensely financially. So this could end up being a blessing in disguise."

"I thought you might start catching flak when I heard your name mentioned in some of the meetings. The elders and deacons in the church are not happy about the..." He paused and seemed embarrassed. "How do I say this? They are not happy about the type of kids that you are bringing into the church. "I was confused for a moment, then it dawned on me what he was trying to say. "Do you mean because they are poor?" He sighed, "Yes, unfortunately I think that has a lot to do with it. They don't like how they dress and the fact that most of them are bused in from Grey Hill."

I conjured up a mental picture of the lilly white congregation, funny I never realized they all looked the same. Every man with a pot belly and glasses, every woman wearing a gaudy pastel dress. "But shouldn't they be happy that people are actually coming to the church?" "Yes, if they had pure hearts then they would be. But sometimes when people have been in a church forever they feel threatened by young people."

It felt like I had been hit with a semi truck caring a steaming load of cynicism. How could they possibly consider themselves Christian if they didn't want to welcome everyone into the church? I felt like the bubble around my sanctuary, my place of refuge, had popped.The knowledge that people in the congregation that I loved, didn't like me because my parents didn't have money. These people would probably team up with Hitler to re-crucify Jesus, if it meant all the congregants were in the appropriate tax bracket.

"Satan is scared of you Jacqui and will do anything he can to discredit you. I just wanted you to know that it will probably get worse before it gets better. If you need to talk, Ashley and I are always here for you. We love you Kennedy kids and wish we could adopt all of you. If you feel discouraged remember the verses in Matthew: Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you."