I Am My Own Cousin.

Chapter 23: Possessed by the Holy Ghost

 Following the romantic comedy movie formula Dad had eloped with his longtime girlfriend (four weeks strong).  He waited four days to tell his six kids he was remarried, almost as though it was an afterthought.  I imagine him thinking, "I should probably mention to the kids that I bought a new polo shirt and Velcro shoes. I may let them know that I have remarried, if I can find the time to work it into conversation with all the exciting news of the shirt and shoes."  As he broke the news the six of us stood around the speakerphone and tried to process the bombshell that Dad had just dropped.  For a moment nothing could be heard except his breathing whistling out of the speaker.  Then pandemonium erupted.  "ARE YOU JOKING?  THIS HAS TO BE A JOKE."  Jenny screeched like a banshee.  I agreed.  "He is totally pranking us, he didn't get married."  Dad was chuckling on the line; he was really relishing our reactions.  "I assure you I'm telling the truth.  We got married by the justice of the peace.  I have the license and certificate to prove it."  Joanna burst into tears. "How could you do that to us?!"

"Children, that's enough!"  Dad barked. His tone was so stern that we all shut up.  "Me getting married has nothing to do with you. I didn't have to ask your permission because I'm the adult, you're the children.  Donita is now my wife and your step mother. You will treat her with the respect she deserves.  "How can you say that?  It is our business because we're your kids.  You should have told us first," Jessica said, sounding like she was being strangled.  Dad gave an exasperated sigh, "This reaction is exactly why I didn't tell you first. Your Mom has poisoned you kids against me so much that I knew you wouldn't be happy.  I even introduced you to Dee Dee before we got married and that was more than I needed to do."

I had heard enough.  I bolted out of the room and down the stairs; Mom was on the couch watching Dirty Dancing for the umpteenth time.  "DAD GOT MARRIED."  She looked up with glazed eyes; she had taken some of her pills.  Her back had begun to act up lately; she had slipped discs and had been relying more and more on her medication to manage the pain.  "Mom, did you hear me?  Dad got married to that woman."  Mom didn't say anything.  I had expected her to follow me up the stairs; to yell at Dad and tell him that he had crossed the line.  That she would tell him her children would never go visit him and his new wife, because he shouldn't have married someone without telling them first.  But instead, she just sat there staring into space not even acknowledging that I had spoken.  She had checked out from reality, leaving us to deal with it ourselves.  I stomped back up the staircase letting out a frustrated screech.

In the bedroom Jenny had turned the speakerphone off and was screaming into the receiver, "WHY DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD BE HAPPY?  You betrayed us.  How could you marry a stranger and think we would be happy about it?"  It felt like Dad had replaced his family with the first woman he found.  "You can't possibly know her well enough to marry her.  What about when you told us we needed to have sex with ten people before we could get married?  What, those rules only apply to us, you don't follow them?"  There was a short pause, then Jenny let out a frustrated groan and put her hand over the receiver.  "He said won't talk to me anymore because I am acting like Mom.  He wants me to put one of the little kids on."

"Too bad, I am going to talk to him."  Jessica grabbed the phone.  Jenny's face was red and she was crying, she went to her room and we could hear the door slam.  I was so frustrated that it felt like every cell in my body was going to split open, my stomach was cramping. I wanted to scream or punch something.  We older kids should probably try to be responsible and calm down, set a good example for the little kids... but that wasn't going to happen.  Would Dad expect us to call his wife "Mom"?  Our family was so dysfunctional and it felt like we were barely able to hold things together every day, now Dad had gone and gotten married.  What would it help to bring someone else into this quagmire?  Jessica screeched into the phone, "What's your problem?  No, I'm not going to shut up Dad.  You're being mean.  Why couldn't you have waited until you dated her for a little bit longer before getting married?"