Just in case || Draco Malfoy

Sixty Eight - Just In Case

"If you find this and I am gone, give it to Helena Wright.

...

My dearest dearest Helena.

I hope to god that you aren't reading this. I pray that I am reading this over one last time before casting it into a fire and watching it burn before me thinking "how silly of me".

It hurts me more than anything to write this. But I know that if I didn't write this, if I knew I left you with nothing. I would never forgive myself in any afterlife that there is. I know that we are going to war. And I know there is every chance that I will never leave those grounds. That I may die. I refuse to fight in the name of Voldemort. And I know that that very well may get me killed. And I have to write this in case it does become reality.

So despite my tears, I'm writing this. Just in case.

I can't think of any other way to start this other than saying that I love you. I love you so much and I don't believe I have ever told you even a fraction of how much I do. I wish I had told you so much more often. I wish that every waking moment I had I told you how much I adore you.

I really didn't believe anything could get me out of the situation I was in. I thought I was destined to live out the rest of my life serving the dark lord, regardless of wether I wanted it or not. I was never taught any different. That was until you.

I couldn't understand why I liked you so much the first time we met. I would never have admitted it but I wanted to spend every second with you. But I was told that love was a weakness and I believed it. And I didn't want you to make me weak. So I turned to the only other way I knew how to treat people. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for anything I've ever done or said to you that made you feel like anything less than perfect. Because that is what you are Helena.

I wanted to tell you how head over heels I was for you ever since I met you. And I can say to you honestly that that night on the astronomy tower. On Christmas. That was the best moment of my life. I don't know how to tell you but when your lips touched my lips, just know it was the first time in my life that everything felt just perfect. Everything felt right. Our first kiss. Technically it was in my dorm, but you didn't kiss me back. The first time you actually kissed me was on the astronomy tower. And I wouldn't trade the memory of that moment for the world

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything you have had to go through because of me. You could have been with anyone else - you wouldn't have to deal with any of the scorn I have put you through.

But you chose me. And I can't for the life of me think why. You deserve so so much more than me. You deserve someone who can be there for you every waking moment. You deserve someone who doesn't come with so many issues and attached strings. You deserve someone who will take you to all those places you dream of and even more. You deserve someone who will take you to live in that little house where you can write your stories. You deserve someone who is just as perfect as you are.

I could write pages and pages about why you are so perfect to me. I love everything about you even the things you won't notice yourself. I love the way you tuck your hair behind your ears when you read. I love the way you drift off into your own world when you talk about your future. I love the way your eyes light up when someone says it will be dangerous. I love the way you trace your fingers over my hand when you fall asleep. I love the way you smell of summer days and free reign. And I love how you saw the mess I was and forgave me.

I want to ask something of you. And I don't want you for a second to think that this is what I want. Its tearing me apart to request this from you but it is what you deserve.

I want you to move on. And if you love me even a fraction of the amount I love you then it may seem like I'm asking the impossible. But I don't want you spending your precious life grieving and missing me. You are too amazing to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been. Remember all those times I said that one day we could be together without hiding it? I said that we could one day finally be able to love each other in front of others and not fear for our lives. But if you are reading this, we both know that I will never get to do that.

But you still can. You can find someone else, you can love them in front of everyone, you don't have to hide it. Go out into the world and don't be afraid to love. Don't be afraid to be with the one you love. It hurts me to imagine you with someone else, but it hurts me even more having to imagine you being unhappy. And I would rather me be hurt than you any day. And because of that, I want you to go. Go and find someone. Find someone who is no less than absolutely perfect. Find someone to make memories and stories with. Find someone who will make you feel as special as you are. Find someone who will take you to travel the world just like you said you wanted to. Find someone who will give you all the love I have for you and will be brave enough to show it. Start again my love.

Live a life that you can write your story about. Write about it. Pour your soul into it. Make your life so amazing that you can write about it and people will envy the people in your story. Write the book you have always wanted to, write about anything your heart desires and write about what will truly make you happy. Write about the people you meet, the people you love. Start again with a clean slate and a fresh heart to fill with all the love it deserves.

Don't dwell on me. But I beg of you don't forget me. Keep me in your heart and in your memories and I swear to you. Whatever it is that awaits me in the afterlife - no matter what the veil of life and death is made of that separates us, I will find a way to see you again. Wether I come to you or I have to wait until you come to me at the end of your precious life. I swear that I will never forget you. As long as I can keep my memories, you will strive forever in them.

And at the end of your life, even if you find a love as strong as mine for you with another, even if you have forgotten me. I will never ever forget you Helena Wright. You made my life worth living again. And keep it in your mind and heart that at the end of your life when you meet me again, I want you to be able to say to me "I don't regret a single second"

Remember me. And remember how much I love you. And that I would do anything for you. Remember the poem I showed you that day and remember how true it is. I would kill a thousand men before I let one ever lay a finger on you, my darling.

I love you. I have said it so much but it will never ever be enough. I love you I love you I love you. And I always will. Miss me. Remember me. Keep me in your memories as I will. Cry, but don't bleed. Not for me.

And if you ever miss me, just look at the moon and the stars. And remember I'm looking at the very same ones, wherever I am.

I am yours forever and so so so much longer than that and I love you with more than twice of all the love in the world.

until we meet again.

Draco x

...

"I was never anyone else's.
Not for a moment
Not for a breath
Before you, I was yours,
But waiting
All my life I've been waiting

And I know nothing but peace, understanding this.

-Tyler Knott Gregson-

Remember me darling

...