Battle Scars ➳ Ashton Irwin || #Wattys 2016

Chapter Twenty One

A/N: hey guise! I'm back. sorry I haven't updated in like 10 years there's a lot going on with school :-( i know I suck, but wow! 2k+ reads thank you so much !

qotd: what's you favorite member of 5sos? I'm either a Michael or Ashton girl. :-)

~ previous ~

""Thank you, Ashton. For everything. I-" I pause. No I couldn't. It's too soon. I couldn't possibly love him. I'm just hurt, and there's no way I could manage to love someone by the way my life is right now. I just hope I will be able to tell him when it comes time."

~ present ~

*Ashton's p.o.v*

"Thank you Ashton. For everything. I-" she spoke softly. What was she going to say? She must have thought I was sleeping. Maybe she was going to say she loved me, but there's just no way. I knew that I had strong feelings for her, maybe love, I'm not even sure. I've just been so worried about helping her get though with her pain that I never even thought about the fact that I might love Shay. It all makes sense. Just the way I act around her makes t so bloody obvious. She probably already knows, along with everyone else. God, why do I have to be such an idiot sometimes? I just want to help her. It feels like I'm drowning in my own thoughts. I need to get to sleep before I end up over thinking and ruining everything like always.

**Shay's pov**

I wake up and as usual Ashton has already left for work. I glance at the clock, it's only 7 AM and I don't have to be to work until 10.

I start thinking of ways to pass the time, I could write in my journal, I haven't done that in awhile. I pull it out from my side of the bead and open it to a new page and begin to write:

September 28th 2014
"it's been awhile, and I thought I should vent out my feelings. For some reason I still have feelings for Cam. I hate that I do, and I've been trying to find the right thing to about the stupid feelings I have. I feel connected to him. He was my best friend, first love, my everything. The only one I though I could ever love. Maybe I should move on, I have Ashton here. He's been so kind hearted with everything, and hasn't ever stopped trying to help me. With the way it is right now I just am not fully capable of loving someone like Ashton. There's just so much wrong with me. I'm not who I want to be, and who I want to be is not even going to be a part of me. I hide the pain from Ashton so he doesn't worry about me, he needs other stuff to focus on, and I shouldn't be one of those things, I'm only a distraction. Whatever I am to him, i want it to be good in the hopes that he won't leave like everyone else."

I slowly close the notebook that Luke got me in the hospital, and put it back in it's spot. If Ashton ever found it I would probably freak out, he doesn't need to read this, I will tell him how I feel a different time when I'm ready.

I pull the blankets off of me and stand up to stretch. As like a scene of a movie, my phone goes of on Ashton's cluttered night side table. I pick it up and read that it's Ashton.

A- hope you slept good last night, beautiful. I'll pick you up at 5 after work. I made plans for us :-) Xx -Ash

I feel my stomach turning and filling with butterflies. I swear he could not be less perfect. I never thought Ashton could be this spontaneous. I unlock my phone and reply:

S- can't wait! see you then! -Shay

With that I set my home back down and start to get ready for work. I pull my hair into a ponytail and quickly wash my face and brush my teeth, if Ashton had something planned then I would need to look presentable. I hated wearing makeup but there are exceptions. I apply some mascara and eyeliner. Luckily my hands weren't shaky so I didn't stab my eye. I want to make it look like I didn't really try to look this nice. I go back into Ashton's room and dig around through my suitcase to find my work shirt and yoga pants. I quickly rush out the door and start my car.

On the way there I couldn't help but think what he had planned, either way I was excited and I didn't care, as long as it with him.