Patience

52. News

Trigger warning : Mentions of Suicide...

"Hardin..." I call him...

He doesn't stop though....

He keeps walking towards the exit....

But then he stops and turns back.....

" I am leaving..." he says.

" Leaving??" I say and start running towards him.

"I am breaking up with you"

At that I stop just a metre away from him.

"No" I fall on my knees..

"You cannot fit in..." He declares. His face contorted in disgust...

" No please... No" I clamp up my ears, shut my eyes and shake my head violently.

"I don't need you" I hear him spit out....

"No no no..."

" No.... " My eyes sprung open as I take in sharp breathe and sit up straight...

Twist and turning my head in every possible direction trying to grasp my surroundings.

I breathe heavy... I swipe my hands from my fore head through my temples till my neck and wipe off the huge mess of sweat.

It was a night mare Tessa...

A moment later when my breathing comes to normal I push back and lean my back against the headrest of the bed...

It was just a nightmare, which I have been getting everytime I pass into sleep land.

A lone tear escape my eyes as I realise how my nightmare is actually my reality... A reality that stabs straight at my heart.

If anyone would have asked me a few months ago whether staying without Hardin, for a week is possible. I would have laughed my ass off. Or maybe I would have pounced on there face, scratched them until skin came of the flesh with visible bone like a wounded tigress defending her life.

He was my life.... No, strike that... He is my life... Even though my life has trampled over heart and vacuum cleaned my lungs.

So yeah basically a week ago I would have never imagined this scenario of my life...

But here I am, without him. Living for a whole week since he left me.... Since he broke up.....

If you call breathing as living then yes I am living. If you call eating just enough calorie to survive then yes I am living. If you call drinking water when my throat goes dry from crying then yes I am living. If you consider that I am happy when a bittersweet chuckle slips past my throat, reminiscing the memories we both shared then yes I'm living. If you consider trying to call Hardin probably hundred times a day as using my phone, then yes I am living. If you considering passing out as sleeping, then again, yes my life is normal.

Everything is normal I guess, or not. I have no idea. I myself have no idea how my body is functioning right now. I myself have no idea how my heart is still beating in the Rib cage. How my lungs are still pumping the air. After loosing three most important part persons of my life.

Well maybe two. I lost two of them. The third one, Hardin, chose to leave me. Wretched, torn and utterly ruined.... Throwing me away like used clothes, no longer in need.

If this is what you call living, then yes I am living . I am surving even though I feel suffocated every moment . Even though I want to choke myself with my own bare hands, to get rid of this constant pain in my chest. I am surving. Even though I want to cut open my veins and let myself bleed so the pain flows along with it.