indefinite love (jean x fem!reader)

four

It had felt as if my heart skipped an entire beat. I didn't know what to do, what to say, or even what to think.
I didn't wanna think negatively, but being too positive would make me even sadder if he goes out early.

"But he, was just fine yesterday?" I mention, leaning my head against the seat.

"Well, right after I got informed, they called and said he had trouble breathing properly, and now he's coughing up blood. They had to start using a ventilator on him so his lungs won't collapse." she says, gripping her hands tightly around the steering wheel.

"But he has to do alright, he- he has to be! There's no way he can just die on us like that, no way!" I lash out, pushing the palms of my hands against my eyelids.

"Hun, if his breathing doesn't get on track in the next month or two, they'll have to get rid of the ventilator. I'm sorry."

"That's so much time, and dad is strong so he can do it easily, right? Right?!" I sneered, need reassurance.

"It isn't all that easy, but we'll find out." she replies, after placing her spare hand on my shoulder.

I placed my hand on hers and feel as my nose gets stuffed and my eyes fill with tears.
I close my eyes tight, letting my head fall into my shoulder, and letting every last drop roll down the sides of my cheeks.

"Shh.." she calmly whispered, placing her hand upon my damp cheek.
"Let's just hope for the best."

-

We had made it to the hospital, and I stopped the tears from emerging.
It felt like I haven't been here in forever, but I know for a fact that I was here a few days ago, with my mom.

We got out of the car, and began to make our way to the main doors. As we walk through, we head straight for the Secretary's desk, to ask for my dad's room.

"Who're you looking for?" she asked.

"Shawn [L/N]." my mom states, fumbling with her fingers.

"M'kay, and your name?" the lady asks, with her head down staring at the papers.

"Lisa [L/N], and this is..." she says, gesturing towards me.

"[Y/N]," I say, while I watch the lady staring at me.
"[L/N]" I finished off.

"Alright uh, room 12 on the 2nd floor." she adds, with the end of the pen in her mouth.

My mom nodded, as she grabbed my arm lightly and pulled me up to her. I placed my hand into hers, making me feel like a little girl once again, but now all grown up.

I walked like this with her until we reached the short staircase that would lead us to my dad's room.
We pushed the large door opened, and immediately had a large whiff of sanitizer and cleaning products. It stung at first, but my nose had gotten used to the scent fast.

We began to walk up the stairs, walking around nurses and doctors that were passing by.
Once we were at the top, we walked through and I could hear everything.

Laughs, cries, and even screams, screams of pain. Knowing that someone had just lost a loved one, or they're going to, makes me feel terrible. I can't even understand what they're going through, but maybe eventually I will.

We walked through the pale white hallways, checking every door sign for 12, or for his name on it.

Each time we passed a door, the numbers got gradually larger, and there it was.

Room 12.
Shawn [Y/N]

It read.
I didn't wanna see my dad in pain, I didn't wanna see him dying, I didn't and I don't wanna face reality.

My mom pushed the cyan door open, gesturing for me to walk in first.
As I took my first step, I took a deep breather, to calm myself before even entering.

Once I walked in, I could see a white curtain, that blocked him from my view. There wasn't anyone else in here previously, but I know a doctor had been in and out.

I took small steps, while I heard the door shut behind my mom. As I walked closer, I was able to hear the monitor from hear, beeping every second.

I approached the curtain and began to move it out of the way.
I lay my eyes on my dad's unconscious body, while he is surrounded by machines and tubes.

My cheeks were dry from my crying previously, but they were beginning to get soaked again. I couldn't see him, and so I backed right away and ran into my mom's arms.
I let out light screams into her sweater, showing her how much pain I was in.

"Mom, why does he have to suffer like this?" I ask with sorrow, and sniffles.

"I tried to make him stop it, [Y/N]," she starts.

"Why didn't you try harder?" I ask her furiously, letting my anger out on her.

"I'm sorry baby." she adds.

"I'm not a kid anymore mom, stop treating me like one." I state, looking up at her with my flushed-out face, and puffy red eyes.

I stare at her longer, as I tears stream down my face. She watches, and embraces me closely.

"It'll all be okay, it will be just fine..."

-

We had stayed there longer in my dad's presence, just for him to never regain consciousness.
But we decided to leave.
There was no point if he wasn't awake, I couldn't see him like that anymore.

We began to walk back to car, and I had my head facing down.
I wasn't paying attention, I almost bumped into our car as I was following my mom's footsteps.

I turned away, and headed to the passenger seat.
Once she started driving, I didn't speak a word. I never spoke a word the whole drive back to our apartment.

Once I got out, I ran straight through the doors, wanting to go lie my head in my pillow as soon as I could.

I was waiting at the elevator for awhile, as I heard my mom's footsteps.
"You have work tomorrow?" she asked me, as she stood directly beside me.

"Yeah, at 8 till 12, why?" I responded, spamming the elevator button.

"No important reason." she proclaimed, staring ahead.

I shrugged it off, as I heard the elevator ding, meaning that it was on our level, so we walked onto it in silence.

Let me inform, my relationship with my mom isn't as good as it could be. We've been through a lot of fights, but she's always there for me. But without my dad, it's harder on her, even though I'm always out somewhere. With my dad barely around, she's beginning to lose herself, making me push her away slowly. Of course I love her, I just want everything to be normal again.

-

I was back in my bed, my door closed, in complete silence. My window was shining through my dark curtains faintly, making me more comfortable.

"Want anything to eat?" I heard my mom's muffled voice yell out to me.

"No thanks." I yell back into my pillow.

It was already 6 PM, but I have no motivation to eat or do anything, I just wanted to sleep, sleep for hours and hours on end.

And so that's what I did. I cuddled myself up against my pillows, and dug my head down, letting my mind clear-out, and letting my body fall asleep.