The 'L' in Light (A Death Note Fanfiction)

Chapter 9: Confession

~ Light's POV ~

WARNING - DESCRIPTION OF DEATH

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The Death Note never fails, he thought.
***

Staggeringly, Light looked up. How could he have brought himself to kill his own girlfriend, who loved him so dearly? He hadn't lied to L about seeing her body; the sight of its shattered state was still heavily stamped in his mind. Although he had been expecting to find her in a shallow puddle of blood, he had only found a gentle trickle oozing down her face, originating from her severely fractured skull. Her jelly-like limbs were splayed awkwardly in all directions and, on a rip of skin above her left hip, she displayed a mass of pink intestine jutting out of her lifeless body.

She would never have expected that the page she had given him herself would have such dire consequences. On the night she had given it to him, he had slipped into the bathroom in which he wrote down all he had been plotting the day before, precisely after he had left her at the steps. Now that he thought about it, ironically and without his knowledge, Ryuk had been an accomplice in Misa's murder as he had made sure that no one interrupted them.

Light found himself questioning his reasons. Naturally, his main justification revolved around Misa's emotional and illogical actions potentially ruining his future plans. She would have done something stupid and, as a result, killed both of us. She might even be foolish enough to try to kill L with other means, apart from the Death Note. He couldn't let that risk live on – he prioritised his vision of his ideal world above all else, and he would kill anyone who got in his way.

But was her stupidity the only reason? Could it have been something else?

Light had felt nothing towards Misa. While they kissed, all he'd think about was finding excuses to stop her. When he couldn't, Light would pretend that it was someone else.

Perhaps even a very queer, raven-haired man.

He had felt foolish when he asked L to read the note just so that he could hear "I love you" from his lips. Light never understood his impulse when writing the quote in that exquisitely designed bathroom.

I never planned or expected myself to repeat it back, though.

He knew that he must act with caution but so far, although he had met bumps along the way, his plan had worked.

I can't afford to make any more mistakes, he thought unhappily, staring at the loose frame in the cupboard, behind which Misa's old Death Note was stowed safely.

Light had been planning to leave the building after Higuchi's arrest but, after L pledged to remove the cameras from his room, he stayed. However, the detective's word had proven to be of little value, so it never hurt to be sure. After Ryuk had ensured that no one was watching him and Light tossed him an apple for his help, the teen locked the door.

Why must I torture myself this way? thought Light.

As he did every night, the teen took out another death note page from the encyclopedia. The routine would force him to remember the truth while keeping him focused on his goal. Light hadn't felt that Misa could be trusted with the truth regarding why L hadn't died after she jotted his name down. He couldn't possibly admit that L's true name had already been written.

He hated himself for the decision he had made hastily when hearing about Misa's arrest. To allow himself a larger span of time for L to die to throw off suspicion, he had found a loophole in the 23-day rule (the maximum amount of days between writing down a name and killing the person). After heavily questioning Ryuk about it, he had discovered that if one should write 'dies from disease' as the cause of death, the person would die at an appropriate time depending on the disease, therefore disregarding the 23-day rule.

He had tried to keep his cool but continuously found himself in deep levels of anxiety whenever meeting L after regaining his memories. Although he constantly reassured himself that it was the right thing to do and that L was no different from the regular criminal that he would kill off every so often, this felt different. But why?

Skipping all of the names on the same page, he skimmed through them until he found the wretched sentence.

L Lawliet - death by a prolonged disease which causes a fatal heart attack.

The teen stared at it gloomily, until a silent tear thumped softly on the page. Irritated, he furiously wiped his watering eyes, and yet, each tear would soon be replaced by a successor.

How could I have written his name down alongside those of hardened criminals? L is nothing like them!

Unable to control himself, he ripped the page out and frantically tore it to tiny shreds.

So much for focusing on the goal.

Kira chided, "Place those frivolous, juvenile feelings aside and become what you were meant to be - Kira, God of the New World! This is your goal; your life's true purpose. Think about the millions of innocent lives that you'll be saving and increasing their quality of life. What's one insignificant life to all of those people?"

With his body overcome by a sense of numbness, he climbed inside his bed and pulled the blanket up to his nose, an attempt to hide his shame from the world.

"So, Light. When am I getting my apples?" asked Ryuk.

***
A/N

Some attentive readers may recall the scene where Misa's toy (which even looks like her) falls down from the shelf in the first chapter. This represents Misa's untimely fate. This story is loaded with foreshadowing and parallelisms. So keep your eyes peeled ;).

Happy Easter!