New Start

1

I don't know what to do with my life.  I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm going to be, basically, I don't know what my future is going to be like.                                      

                As I look through the lens of my camera, I see a completely different world than what I actually live in.  This world we live in is so ugly, but my private world I live through my camera is beautiful. 

                I woke up earlier this morning and decided on not going to school.  No one will miss me anyway, and I don't like it there so why torture myself?  I never get bullied or have bad encounters with anyone, but I see it all around me.

                I'm not popular, but I do have one or two friends here and there that I can talk to.  Even with those friends though, I always feel so alone.

                Not a lot of people know me, or my name and I'm okay with that. It would be nice to be popular I suppose, but that's just not who I am.  I’m just invisible.

                Even though I decided I didn't want to go to school today, I still got up at my normal time and started my normal routine.  Besides, my mom wouldn't just let me skip school, so I need to make it look like I'm actually going.

                I got up and took a shower washing my brown hair that reached just past my shoulders that I didn't like too much.  I've always wanted long, thick, wavy hair, but instead I have short, thin, flat hair. 

                After washing my hair, I washed my body and face and got out, stepping into the cold air. 

                Once I was out and dried my hair a little so it was not as wet, I looked at myself in the mirror. 

                I only look at my reflection when I'm home, because in public I get insecure from looking at it.  I don't like how I look.  I have acne that is just awful even though most of it is just scars in result from past acne.  It's repulsive to me and has a big impact on my already low self-esteem, so I’d rather not have that reminder when I’m in public.

                I then traveled my eyes down my body.  First my left shoulder covered in scars.  Then down my left arm only to see more scars.  My stomach was next, with more scars and looking like I need to lose weight.  Then lastly, my thighs.  My fat ugly thighs, covered in not only scars, but fresh cuts.

                When I was done examining myself, I walked to my bedroom to start the second part of my routine.

                I took my time sense I was not worried about missing a bus, or being late to school today.

                I let my hair finish trying as I put on my usual makeup along with a pair of black leggings and an oversized white sweater.  I knew it would be cool even though winter is over for the most part; so I grabbed a white beanie, my pink gloves, and uggs to wear as well.  

                I also grabbed my book bag and replaced my school supplies, besides my pencil case, with my personal notepads, my book, and my camera.  I also got my phone and put it in my bag with everything else so I would not forget it.

                I always like seeing my mom in the morning before I leave because she is more asleep than awake.  So when I grabbed my bag and walked down stairs this morning, it did not surprise me when I saw her half asleep on the couch.

                The thing with my mom is that she gets up before everyone else in the morning to do things, and then by the time my dad, brother, and I wake up, she has already done a bunch of things around the house and is sleeping again.