New Start

15

                I’ve always wanted someone to cuddle with, someone that would treat me right and love me. I waited all my life for it, I’m sure every girl has, but now that the moment is here, it doesn’t feel right.

                After laying with Niall for what felt like a couple hours, I tried to get up. As soon as I started to move though, Niall’s arms tightened around me.

                “Niall.” I whispered, twisting in his arms to face him.

                “Violet.” He whispered back, pulling me in even closer.

                “Niall, you are crushing me.” I said into his chest, and he loosened his grip a little.

                “What are we Niall? What is going on between us?” I asked after a while, burying my face into his chest even more.

                “What do you want us to be?” He asked quietly.

                That was the question that I’ve been asking myself since the first kiss we shared. I thought about what it would be like to finally be in a relationship, but it scares me. I know I’m not ready to be with someone like that. I can’t just devote myself to someone, or give my trust to someone because I’ve never been able to do it in the past. Why could I now?

Being with Niall could be a good thing for me though. If I tried to give my trust to someone it would be better than not trying at all. He could make me feel better about myself, and loved. Although, I doubt he could really love me anyway. How could someone love me when I can’t?

Another fear went through me as I was thinking about what we are. If I date him, and move forward with him, he is going to find out about what I do to myself, and I can’t let that happen. I know that it is not going to be a one week thing, it will be longer, and things will go further. He will see.

“Friends.” I said finally.

“Friends?” He mumbled sounding confused.

“Niall, I just can’t be in a relationship right now. I’m confused about everything, I don’t know how to trust people, and I am just a mess that you shouldn’t get involved with. And I’m not even going to be in Ireland much longer.” I said as I pulled myself out of his arms and sat up.

“Let me change that. Let me show you how.” He replied sitting up next to me.

“I’m not relationship material Niall. I’ve never even been on a date.” I said not being able to look at him, even though I know he was looking at me.

“Then let me take you on a date tonight. Let me show you before you leave.” Niall said grabbing my hand.

I pulled on the only dress I owned and realized that the once form fitted dress, is now too big.

I walked over to my door and opened it to let Liam in so he could see.

“This is absolutely horrible.” I said as I looked at the long sleeved black dress in the mirror.

“It’s not that bad Violet.” Liam said trying to make me feel better.

“It looks like a garbage bag.”

I watched as Liam walked over to my closet and pulled out a sparkly waist belt and wrapped it around me.

“Now, you look fine.” He said turning me around to look in the mirror.

It did look better, but it’s still not going to change the fact that I am me, and my face and body is always going to look like this no matter how pretty a dress looks.