Only You

Chapter 50- Aden

I clear my throat nervously, pausing for a moment. "Now... where was I?" I look off into the distance, still vividly remembering that day. "I... was battling with this for a while, but I eventually gave up. I understood how I felt now. That I wanted to be a man. But I knew I couldn't act on it, for fear of disappointing my parents... I think..." I look down at my hands & Dakota touches my shoulder supportively. I smile slightly. "I think that... Rashida started to notice I was upset... &... she asked me why... I didn't want to tell her at first... But I felt... that she needed to know... Even if... she kicked me out..."

Dakota looks up at me slowly, eyebrows raised. "That's a big thing to tell someone... Were you scared?"

I clear my throat nervously, nodding. "Yeah... it was tough... But I knew I wanted to tell her... Not really anyone else... but her... &... she was understanding... I told her in the innermost room where we had most of her interactions... She was shocked initially, but did accept me... Even though her temple was a women's only 1..." I look down at the floor, frowning slightly. "She... wanted to make arrangements for me to socially transition to a male but... I was too scared... Didn't want anyone to know... She agreed &... for a time we spoke no more about that..."

Dakota frowns, eyes sad. "So then... what happened? After that?"

I frown, playing with my hands nervously. "Well... initially I wanted to just... move on with my life... as if nothing had happened... My parents... they had had big expectations for me... &... I didn't want to disappoint them... It took me years to realize that... I would never be happy this way... but at the same time... there was no escape for me... I tried to keep this deep despair from my work as high priestess but... Rashida could tell that something was off... that I was not happy..."

Dakota inhales slowly, eyes trailed on me. "So then... what did you do?"

"I..." My voice breaks, & I take some deep breaths for a moment, & Dakota puts his hand on my shoulder. I smile sadly. "I waited until my parents died... Many people did not live long back then, so it was not hard... Which is really fucked up... I mean... I... followed their expectations for me as long as I was living, but afterward? I did my own thing... I defied them... What kind of daughter does that make me?" My voice breaks again & I stifle a sob. Dakota looks at me sadly & pulls me into a hug.

"But... you needed to do it... for your sanity... For your happiness..." He says slowly, voice soft & sad as he releases me.

I nod slowly, frowning. "I suppose but... I still feel so bad about it..." I look down at the floor for a moment, sighing deeply before looking up again. "&... afterward... Rashida offered me a solution... After seeing how much I was suffering..."

Dakota raises his eyebrows, voice gentle, but curious. "What was it?... The solution, I mean?"

I sigh heavily. "She said that... if I was too scared to present myself as a man in the human world... I could always do so in the godly 1..."

Dakota inhales sharply. "Wait- so... She offered you a spot as a deity?"

I chuckle nervously, grinning slightly. "Yeah... I mean... there was an opening for a fire deity... There weren't as many deities back then as there are now... She said she could use some extra help with that... I mean, granted, I would have to work, &... I would never again live in the world of men &... I couldn't let the mortals who had known me know that it was me... but... I would get to be a guy physically... &" I feel my face heat slightly & I clear my throat. "I... got to be with her... for a time..."

Aw, this pt of the backstory is both sad & sweet at the same time... Sad bc Aden is so beaten up over it & sweet bc he finally got to live as his true self after he became a deity, & Rashida/Dakota are supportive of that.

What did you guys think of this chapter? I tried to convey the conflicting feelings that come w being trans, using my experience as an afab NB person... I tried my best to relate it to the context of an FTM guy & the whole ancient Egypt thing but... I'm not perfect so... Please tell me if there's any way I can improve. Constructive criticism helps :)

Anyways, I'll see you guys later, & as always, y'all are the best :) <3